You Practice Opening by Not Closing...

I got this tattooed on my arm, mostly because it is something I need to be constantly reminded of, daily. Perhaps hourly.

I want connection, closeness, intimacy. But then I behave in a manner that is avoidant, aloof and dismissive.  Things that will never produce any of those things I desire, except with someone who is super unhealthy and anxious.  And we all know how well that works out...

On my best days, I find myself just walking around, open, then attempting to shut.  And I know the easiest way to open is to not close.  And yet, I persist.

I am not completely sure what I get out of the closing:  safety, the illusion of safety, smugness, security, superiority?  All of the above?    I value the relationships in my life.  I value the people in my life and I want to draw nearer to them, not more distant.  Not closed off and guarded.

And I work at it.  It is so much easier to remain open than to keep shutting down and closing off all the time, then having to reopen.  It is kind of like staying sober is easier than getting sober, especially repeatedly.  But like relapse, closing down feels so compelling so often.  Like I must do it.  Thankfully I have been way more successful with not relapsing than I have been with closing down and off.  My heart goes out to those of whom struggle with this whole effort to remain sober. Not a good time to have to be constantly coming back.

I guess for me opening is always going to be practice. The safer I feel with myself, the easier it is to let you in.  When I used to just allow any one in and allow them to treat me any which way, closing wasn’t optional.  It was necessary and vital.  But today, I have a much better running crew.  I am careful about who I let into my life, and have cleared the narcissist decks so to speak.  The people who are in my life today are worthy works in progress who are capable of themselves remaining open and vulnerable.  They are my models.  They are my people with whom to practice opening and not closing.

They are two different things after all: opening and not closing.

Opening requires a great deal of effort, like pushing open a very heavy door.  And if you have to do this multiple times a day...that uses a lot of energy and effort that you could be applying to other things, things that support your life and living in a much more positive manner.

Not closing is really just leaving the door open.  That isn’t hard at all.  See the door?  Is it open?  Leave it alone!

Maybe some people don’t need constant reminders.  Not me, I am like, “oh that door is open, anyone can walk in, I should go shut it now!”  This is being said while I am running towards the door, completely forgetting that I made a commitment earlier to just leave that door open and unbothered.  Then just like that, I have to go through all the effort and trouble to reopen the door after I get done feeling better and safer having now just closed it.  In like five minutes, I am going to be all pissy and wondering what asshole shut the door!  Shit, it was me!  Again, still...

Perhaps for me it is a practice of not closing by opening.  However, I do realize it is easier to practice opening by not closing...

Dammit!

Again, still...