2 AM Intuition Visits...

I am not sure about you, but for me, my intuition goes off at 2 am.  Sometimes, 3 am.  I will go to sleep just fine, and then there is an earthquake in only my little sliver of the world, and I am awakened to a truth I have been quite successful avoiding, usually for sometime.

Sometimes it is anxiety that wakes me, my brain thinking that 2 am is a great time to wake up and process every slight, every hurt, every trauma from my past.  But most often, when I am alerted from slumber, I have come to understand it is more of an intuitive thing that I have been avoiding.

My heart and mind are always so busy.  The heart being in charge of hope, the mind being in charge of fear.  The in between littered with the shattered remains of all my relational fodder.  It is amazing to me how I seem to get through my days just fine walking on ground covered in shrapnel.  

For me, both the heart and mind are liars.  Always trying to trick me into believing something that only intuition can actually know.  The heart wants peace and the head wants truth.  But oddly enough, neither of those things can or will happen until I allow my subconscious time to process all that goes on below my every day experience.  EMDR helps.

But the stuff that wakes me at 2 am, is the stuff I have usually been quite successful at ignoring.  The truths that were too hard to accept, the peace I refused to allow myself, those things only come to my full consciousness at 2 am when my defenses are down.  And all my efforts to not see what is in front of me are sleeping and truth can finally get to say its piece.

I used to call all of this anxiety.  And I suppose sometimes, maybe it is.  But I will also tell you that 2 am is reserved for truths I am too afraid to confront during my waking hours.  Those avoidable delusions I indulge only seem to get revealed when I am resting peacefully in my bed.  I guess my hyper vigilance needs to be caught unaware...otherwise those pesky truths I am refusing to see stay below the surface and operate to undermine my life and attempts at living a fully examined life.

I used to dread those 2 am wake ups.  But I have learned to embrace them, actually welcome them.  I am not up reliving the past (most of the time) instead my 2 am wake ups are reserved for me to see something I have been avoiding, wishing away or refusing to admit.  I am not sure why I get the bolt from the blue while soundly sleeping in my bed, I just know, for me, this is what happens when I avoid the truth of my own existence.

Slumber is interrupted and I wander through the years, the decisions, the decades, the hurts, the anguish and the pain to arrive, always, at a better place eventually.  I can think of no 2 am wake up call that has not resulted in me moving through something that stymied me, was hurting me, that required me to leave something that was not working for me.  I am never all that excited to be conscious at 2 am, but I know now, that the truths revealed in those early morning hours are things that cannot be avoided or put off any longer.  The only thing to do is to allow my mind to unfurl itself and let the revelations begin.

And the only thing I am ever worse for is the few hours of sleep I miss.  Which I easily make up another day.  I have come to understand that intuition needs permission for full expression and with someone like me, that has to be when all my defenses, delusions and things I think I know are sleeping.  That is the only time, for me, the truth of my existence, of my relationships, of my life can be brought out into my full understanding and acceptance.

I do not always love what is revealed but I have come to rely upon it.  And I know my life is better for it.  And though I am never happy about the 2 am wake up calls intuition seems to need, I am grateful every single time for the blinders to be removed and truth to come my way once more...

Perhaps, someday, I will come by some other means and the 2 am wake up calls will become a thing of the past...but I doubt it.  It is just how my spirit works.  And I have come to accept that better it come at 2 am than not come at all...

Again, still...