30 Days of Gratitude...

I am trying something new this year for November.  I am going to dedicate each day of the month to explore this concept and the very many things I have to be grateful for in this life.

I write a gratitude list every day.  It is the first thing I do every day, well, right after making coffee and feeding the livestock.  I come back to my bed, coffee in hand, open up my lap top and begin.  12 things I am grateful for each day.

What this practice has taught me is that gratitude fluctuates.  Some days I spit them out rapid fire.  Some days I day dream and have a hard time focusing.  Some days, they are rare, but I can’t think of shit to be grateful for...and I know immediately I am off to a hard start on those days.

When I get into those strange mental blank spots where all I can see is what I lack, what I need, what I want and gloss over all that I have, and that all my needs are provided for, I start with where I am.  I am grateful for the bed I am sitting in, the warm, soft covers that surround me, the laptop that I am writing on, a cat or three that is sitting on me or near me.  

What I have learned about gratitude is that you can just start where you are.  Right here, look around the room, are you warm, safe, dry?  Start there.  You can get to more ethereal concepts of gratitude later.  If you are inside, safe and not starving, that is always a good place to begin.

I used to feel badly about myself when I could not get the list out quickly.  Like, “seriously, are you that much of an asshole that you can’t even come up with 12 things???”  But I am nicer to myself these days and tend to think, “wow, your spirit needs tending given this list is quite difficult today,” instead.

For me this gratitude practice is a way for me to access the immediacy of my experience and life.  Am I fed, healthy, safe, relatively content?  Are my bills paid?  Is there food in my fridge?  Some days it really is all about the fundamentals.  But since I have been doing this daily since, September 23, 2017, I have come to know that gratitude practice is not unlike Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs.  Once I cover the base level stuff, I have the freedom to move up towards more lofty things to be grateful for like nice clothes, good work, a positive mindset, good relationships with my family and friends, cats, the ability to show up for my life, Taylor Swift.  Gratitude practice is foundational.

I would be remiss if I didn’t also mention my gratitude lists contain a fair amount of shit I am grateful I do not have:  cancer, that last boyfriend, any boyfriend, the kittens stopped shitting and pissing all over the place, and things like that.  I have learned there is a lot to be thankful for in the absence of things.  It isn’t always what I have, it often is what I do not have that I am most grateful for.

Probably the biggest negative gratitude is that I have not received so many of the things in this life that at one time or another I absolutely, and quite desperately, wanted.  A guy.  A job.  A friend.  A situation.  I can see the fallacy of my own thinking so very often in this life.  And I am grateful that the powers that be saw fit to spare me from my own great ideas, wants and demands.  Thank fucking God!

What I have realized lately is that I am just lucky to be here, sober, relatively functional and living this amazing life I have been so blessed to receive.  I am not happy all the time, but happiness is available to me all of the time.  I only have to stop the endless list making, comparing what I want and what I think I need to all that I feel I am lacking, and gratitude is the immediate by product of that process.

Gratitude practice changed me. And provides me a daily opportunity to check in with myself about myself and how I am living this moment right here.

Here are today’s gratitudes.  Judge if you want, but I hope you will find something in what I share that will cause you to evaluate how you are currently living and what you might do to improve the station of others about you.  It begins with us, and for me anyway, I cannot give away something I haven’t got. And in order for me to value what I have and all that I do not, I have to write it down every single day...

Again, still...

I am grateful for

A fun Halloween

Being of service

Kittens doing better

Weekend with no further plans

Safe travel to LA and back

Stacy feeling better

A quiet home this morning

Having the house to myself this morning

Being sober

Legs that work

Being a happy person

My friendship with Kyle

I would love some of you to share your list with me, if you dare!