The Most Complicated Relationship...

Nope, it is not with the narcissistic assholes you keep dating!  But it is an indicator of the complicated relationship you are having with yourself.  And also a very strong indicator of some healing you need to do in your relationship with yourself.

That is right, the hardest, most complicated relationship we will ever have is the one we have with us.  Why?

Well first of all, there isn’t just one monolithic us.  The us we claim is multifaceted.  There are so many of us contained in this one person.  In pretty much everyone I have ever met there is a lot going on.  There is no one person that shows up for everything.  We all have differing aspects of our personalities that show up, dominate and control depending on the circumstances and what is needed for the situation.  We may be a ballbuster at work, but demure and agreeable in our love relationship, we may be arrogant and opinionated in our friend group but then completely facile and easygoing at home or at work.  There is no one of us that shows up all the time, forever.

And no matter how hard we might try to disassociate with ourselves about ourselves, we are not really able to do this...and our inability to accept ourselves as we are, causes all sorts of other problems and issues.  Addictions, traumatic responses and bonds, ongoing issues in personal relationships, the list of issues we create because we cannot or will not make peace with ourselves is endless.

Unlike our relationship with others, we know all the shit we do that is wrong, bad, unhealed, unhealthy and shitty.  So we have to be committed to forgiving ourselves over and over and over again.  There is literally no other relationships in our lives where we are going to have to practice forgiveness more than with ourselves.  None.  And if you are a parent, you can magnify the level of forgiveness needed a million fold.

We also have to practice a level of acceptance that is hard to maintain with anyone else.  We have to accept when we are stuck, hurting, lost, fearful, engaged, disengaged, feeling it, not feeling it.  Our relationships with ourselves sets the stage for our relationship with everyone else...and it has been my experience that we are only able to offer others the amount of acceptance we are able to give ourselves...

And you have to come to terms with being able to love yourself even when you despise, hate and are completely disgusted with yourself.  I will tell you the hardest days I have ever had are the days when I can’t stand me.  I look in the mirror and for no real reason, I just hate what is looking back.  I hate my hair, my face, my body, my personality, just fucking everything.  And these times seem to come out of nowhere, for no real actual reason.  Just a deep seated self loathing that seems like it is dissipating over time but then one day explodes all over me like Vesuvius.  Thankfully these eruptions of self denigration and hatred don’t happen all that often anymore. I know they are not gone, but they are not in danger of eruption all that often.  And this is because I am committed to doing the work on me every single day.  I take care of myself: emotionally, physically and spiritually.  And I am willing to continue to do the work to heal that which remains broken...

My relationship with myself has been quite convoluted and mired in complications.  But I will claim real progress.  I will claim a calming down of the issues and a relative peace that has expanded over my life.  I know who I am.  I know what ails me, what vexes me, what hurts and why.  And today, I know what to do with all of that.  How to continue the healing process and how to move myself forward.  And the by product of all of that is that my relationship with myself has gotten so much easier and simple.

The relationship with me may have been full of traumatic responses and self destruction earlier in my life, which made my life incredibly complicated since I appeared for all intents and purposes to be at war with me.  Today, there is a peaceful abiding that doesn’t let me off the hook but holds me accountable in a very loving manner.  And so the ceasefire continues and in its wake, a more evolved and simplistic relationship with me has sprouted, taken root and grown.

Again, still...