The blog is taking a new turn...BRACE!
I am taking a year off dating...yep, an entire fucking year. No men. No love. No dating. No nuthin...
Now, why the fuck would I want to do that? Well, because I absolutely do not want to do that.
But it has come to my attention that I am in a pattern, a well worn, deep grooved pattern that has resulted in me feeling completely lost. Before making this most momentus decision, I felt so numb. I felt unable to partner but unable to stop trying to partner. I was dating and dating and found (on the whole) good quality men. They were kind, had their shit together (as much as anyone does) but I felt a little dead inside (ok, truth, I felt a lot dead inside). It was on a date with a fine man that he asked me a logical question, "What are you looking for?" I almost spit out my diet coke. Not because the question was so egregious but rather because he kind of nailed me to my chair (not in the good way). Here I was on a date with someone ostensibly to start a relationship and I felt completely, totally unable and unwilling to make any commitment and I had no idea what I wanted. I was stuck. Yet, here I was on a date with a nice man who was interesting, funny and seemingly into me and honestly I wasn't even really present. That is when it hit me: you are here because you don't want to be alone! Wow, so I am dating because I just don't want to be alone? Yep - TRUTH. As my friend Jayme says...Ouchie!
I don't know about any of you but that is possibly the worst reason in the history of dating to be dating. Dating is not some salve for loneliness. Dating is something one does with intention, honesty and an idea of what one is looking for...I was sunk. I had no real intention of partnering, I was trying to be honest but when one is lying to oneself, well you get what I mean and I had no idea what I wanted. Why the fuck was I on a date?
So my mind began to chew on this idea and didn't like the conclusion it kept coming to: BE ALONE. I mean really alone. Do not date. Do not chase after men. Do not think about them at all. Take a year for you. A whole year dedicated to getting to know yourself - what you want, what you don't want, take stock of who the fuck you are. I will admit, at first, the notion of this scared the piss out of me. I met myself with resistance and fear and longing and the all encompassing "I don't want to!" But the thought would not go away. It would not leave me. It became like a haunting. I found myself in dialogue with it incessantly -
ME:
But, I have three good guys I am interested in...
THE HAUNTING VOICE:
No, you don't. You have three nice men you are stringing along...
ME:
But, one of them might pan out...
THE HAUNTING VOICE:
REALLY!? You want a guy to "pan out" Who the fuck are you anyway?
ME:
Well, you are kinda rude!
THE HAUNTING VOICE:
Seriously, would you be happy to be dating someone who was dating you to see if YOU "pan out"?
ME:
Fuck no.
THE HAUNTING VOICE:
Well then, why are you so scared to spend a year with you?
ME:
I have no idea. Seems lonely and pathetic.
THE HAUNTING VOICE:
And what you are doing now, how is that not lonely and pathetic?
ME:
Again, rude! But true...What if I can't do it? What if Mr. Wonderful comes along and I miss him because I have decided on a man-ban?
THE HAUNTING VOICE THAT IS NOW SOUNDING A BIT WISER AND NOT SO MEAN:
Do you really believe that the right person for you would pass you by because you were taking some time for yourself? Do you really think that the universe is going to fuck with you like that?
ME - A LESS RESISTANT ME:
No, in fact I have a lot of evidence to the contrary.
THE LOVINGLY WISE VOICE THAT DOES NOT SEEM HAUNTING BUT SUPPORTIVE:
So, a year - no dating? You in?
ME - RESIGNED ME:
With all the enthusiasm of Eyore..."I guess so"
So here we go! I am going to post (attempt) daily on this year off. My intention is to share with you in real time what I think about, come up with, fear, enjoy and most importantly learn over the next 12 months. Let's have a moment of silence for the Erin we all once knew...ok, now let's begin finding out who the fuck that really is.
