Narcissistic Abuse: An Update...

I talk a lot about narcissists in my work.  Pretty much every other divorce or break up situation has someone who is being called a narcissist.  It isn’t rare anymore, and this wasn’t the case 10 years ago.  I mean, people always had issues with their soon-to-be ex, but this disorder was not thrown around. And oddly neither was the behavior.  I heard about addiction, infidelity but this underlying issue of being treated like a source, was not present.

I haven’t been sure for a long time whether it is just now popular to throw a narcissist diagnosis on someone you are leaving, or if we really have had a proliferation of the disorder.  And I am thinking it is the later.  Why?  Because the world today rewards narcissists.  Look around, see what is going on, look at who is on top and “winning” at life these days.  Many of the most successful people have a lot of narcissistic traits.  I don’t know whether or not they have the personality disorder, but they absolutely do have many of the traits and it is these traits that are fucking up their lives and the lives of the people they are in relationship with...

Here is what I see most with people with narcissistic traits:

1.  You are not a person, you are a source.  This means you are replaceable and likely not the only source in their lives.  The narcissist needs constant attention and will usually have more than one source to get their needs met.

2. You exist in their lives to give them the reflection they need to believe in themselves. You are there to prop them up, and the second you stop is when the trouble begins.

3. The moment you start developing opinions that don’t involve or center on the narcissist, that is when things take a down turn.

4. The narcissist doesn’t fall out of love with you, they just have no use for the version of you that questions their narrative.  I am not sure they are even capable of love, just using.

5. They don’t control you because they fear losing you, they control you because they cannot use a person they cannot predict.  Let that one sink in.

6. Control isn’t something the narcissist decides to do, it is just the way they stay safe and the way they live. You are the one that called it love or jealousy, the narcissist just didn’t correct you.

7. Your friends and family saw the signs before you did.  They tried to say something, but the narcissist was prepared for that and used their intelligence to pick at weakness in your friends and family to erode your sense of trust in their opinions, about the narcissist or your relationship with them.  Distrust was planted where love and concern once grew.

8. You didn’t choose to leave your primary relationships, the narcissist just made you feel like if you didn’t then you were hurting or abandoning them.  You did the rest of it yourself.  

9. The narcissist will make you feel like they are protecting you, but really they are protecting their source.  And they will do so at all costs.

10. Your independence was the biggest threat to their access so they made you feel that every victory you had was either not really yours or was not as significant as you thought it was.  The narcissist will always find a way to make your wins feel smaller and less significant or really only happened because of them.

11. Your pain or sadness is an irritant, most especially if it has nothing to do with the narcissist.  Your pain will always be belittled and minimized so that your energy and attention can get back to its primary purpose:  the narcissist.

12. Children are a mechanism of control.  They use the kids to get you to do what they want, they are a means to an end.  A tool to control you, their source and it is super effective because the kids are malleable and easily swayed by the narcissist’s intense attention and “love."  You fell for it, why wouldn't small children?

13. The narcissist is pissed when you leave, not because you left, they already have another source, but they are pissed because you dared to change the story and remove source.

14. The most broken part of you was the wound you didn’t heal that was exploited by the narcissist.  If you want to ensure you don’t fall victim again, heal the wound the narcissist spotted at 100 paces, lest you fall prey to the next narcissist...or this one comes back around, because they always come back around...

It is a sad state of affairs but here we are.  Narcissistic abuse is rampant but there is a good defense!  That is to heal your wounds that allow you to accept less than acceptable behavior, the ones that cause you to lead with compassion when instead you might be more willing to call bullshit on treatment that is less than loving and caring.  

The key to stopping narcissist abuse is knowing the signs from the outset:

Signs of narcissistic abuse can be emotional, psychological, verbal, financial, or sometimes physical. The pattern is usually about control, manipulation, and undermining your sense of self over time.

Constant criticism or belittling - You feel “never good enough,” even when trying hard.

Gaslighting -The person denies events, twists facts, or makes you question your memory, judgment, or sanity.

Love bombing followed by withdrawal - Intense affection, praise, or attention early on, then sudden coldness, punishment, or devaluation.

Walking on eggshells - You monitor your words or behavior to avoid conflict, anger, or silent treatment.

Blame shifting - Problems are always your fault; the other person rarely takes accountability.

Isolation - They discourage or damage your relationships with friends, family, or support systems.

Emotional invalidation - Your feelings are mocked, minimized, or ignored.

Control disguised as concern - Monitoring your spending, clothing, social life, phone, schedule, or decisions “for your own good.”

Silent treatment or withholding affection - Used as punishment or to regain power.

Manipulation through guilt or pity - You feel responsible for their emotions, reactions, or behavior.

Cycles of idealization and devaluation - One day you are praised; the next you are criticized or discarded.

Loss of confidence or identity - Over time, you may feel anxious, confused, emotionally exhausted, depressed, or disconnected from who you used to be.

Some people who experience narcissistic abuse also develop symptoms linked to anxiety, depression, or trauma-related stress. Narcissistic abuse itself is not a formal medical diagnosis, but the effects can be very real.

A few important distinctions:

Someone can show narcissistic traits without having Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

Conflict, selfishness, or occasional insensitivity alone do not automatically equal abuse.

The key issue is usually a repeated pattern of manipulation, control, and emotional harm.

If this describes your situation, it can help to:

Keep notes or messages to reality-check patterns - do this with a password protected app so that your self care is not compromised and then used against you.

Talk with a trusted friend, therapist or coach.

Rebuild outside support systems, or don’t allow them to be eroded in the first place.

Set boundaries and notice how the person reacts; do not compromise your emotional safety for “love” someone who really loves you will not ever ask you to do that.

Seek professional or emergency help if there is fear, threats, stalking, or physical violence.

It is an epidemic.  Narcissist abuse is real.  You deserve love that is loving, not a manipulation disguised as love.  Let me know if you need support. I know I did...