At Home...

The quote actually reads, “I am at home in my personal story...”

And that would be true.  But I am also, at home, a lot.  In theory and in reality.  This sanctuary, this place I have curated with crazy cats and chickens and all the sitting spaces and the limited screens and the flowers and plants.  And I have also done that within my own mind, spirit and body.  Curated a space that is beautiful, loving, sincere, real and always learning.  So I can say, after much ado, I am at home in my personal story, my personage, my spirit and my sanctuary that is my home.

It has taken all this time...56 years.  To arrive at this place that I love myself, flaws and all.  And to realize that it is in my flaws, my defects, my errors, my omissions that I find the motivation to do still more work on myself.  I mean the finished product is hopefully decades away so it is great to see that I have done so much work, but I can always do more. I will never be done curating this life...until I am actually done.

I spend an inordinate amount of time at home.  I mean, like pretty much all day, every day.  I do go out and do things but I will admit that often, when out, I long to be home...I long to get back home.  If I go too long without seeing my cats, I miss them and all their quirky personalities.  I miss being in my own space where everything makes sense to me, where I feel safe and secure.  Where I feel myself radiating out into the space and the space reflecting all the me’ness back.

I am not sure why it took me so long to arrive in this place where I am just at home with myself wherever I might be.  But it has and I have to believe that is ok.  It was supposed to take this long.  I needed every single minute of time before this time to be here.  And it isn’t to say that I am happy all the time, there are a great number of things that I would like to change right now, painful things that I would much rather avoid.  But I know that the only way around pain is to feel it, give it its rightful place in my body, mind and spirit and learn what it has to teach me...

I am also glad that I get to continue to learn and grow and curate. I love decorating.  And it doesn’t matter what I am decorating:  my home, an RV, a backyard space, my mom’s house, my body, I just love pulling things together...and making them my own.  I recently re-did my guest bedroom and it was so much fun pulling things from here and there and placing them into the space, readying it for others that I hope come to enjoy my space too.

And it has taken me a long time to get to this place as well.  Where I want to share my space with others.  For the most part, I have always felt like I just want the space to be mine.  That sharing it created an amount of anxiety to me, that it would get messed up (I can’t deal with disorder and messes - like it is a pathology), that having others in my space made me nervous and anxious...But I have done the work to curate a more relaxed version of myself, someone who can just enjoy sharing with others all the space I have created within myself and in my home.

So I am, quite literally, at home, finally.  And it feels amazing...

Again, still...