Ok, what if I don’t want to?
Like either one. I don’t want to be still and I am not all that sure that I want to know.
And yet, the direction is clear and present and feels dangerous.
I am a being in motion. And I think a lot of things, not sure how much I really “know”.
So it makes sense that this pithy direction is something that I do not want to do or really even contemplate.
And yet, yet, it seems to hit me straight in the heart.
I know the contents of my mind. I can’t seem to get a break from that fucking shit show. Always on, always clamoring for more time to think about things.
I am vaguely aware of my heart. So much thinking distracts me from really examining what is there and why it is there. There are many people I love, but I am not sure how much they feel that love. I am not sure how good I am at showing it, living it. Loving feels like something that is safer done at a distance. I know that is fucked up, but it is honest.
I am more aware of my gut. That instinct that tells me that someone is unsafe, unwell, going to hurt me in some way. I just don’t listen to it when what I want is greater than the threat I feel from that gut instinct going off.
And I am so busy doing shit all the time, I do not have a great deal of time to allow the heart to speak, for the gut to have its say and be able to keep my mind quiet enough to allow these other voices to rise to the surface of my awareness.
This is what meditation is for. Exactly what it is for.
That is really the only place I can practice being still and knowing, it is the only place that I allow my mind to quiet down, my gut to be allowed to unfurl, and my heart to open to all the information that is revealed to me while I sit there being still.
Knowing just seems to come. Not what I think, or even what I feel, just what I know is true on some level that is beyond what I can get to on my own, being busy and un-still all the time.
Meditation practice is rapidly becoming the most important thing I do every day.
Be still and know. That seems to be the precursor instruction to meditation. And so I fold myself into it and trust that sitting still begets knowledge that is inaccessible to me without it.
