Between Namaste & F🙏🏻ck You...

I spend more time in the Namaste, really. But I would be lying if I didn’t own that there has been a fair amount of visitation to the fuck you side of life in the last few days.  It is so hard to understand when someone you have loved, cared for, attempted to help, stood beside, totally fucks you over.  Like hard.  The kind of hard and treacherous that you would expect on Wall Street or a hostile corporate takeover.  Not the kind from a recovery based friendship of 30+ years.

It has been hard to navigate, made harder still as I wander my way through the grief I feel at the loss of my dad and the tree falling on my house on Christmas.  That was enough.  I didn’t need this right now.  I didn’t need the financial insecurity and the drama.  I really didn’t.  But that isn’t how life works.  And for the most part, again, I am living on the namaste side of this. The fuck you side has brief, sporadic appearances that are blessedly fleeting and always land me back at the spiritual place where most of my life occurs.

I think mostly I feel sorry for her.  How much support and love she has turned away.  How much allegiance and good will.  How much friendship and loyalty she has blown apart.  So very sad.  I am glad I am not her.  I am very grateful to be me in this situation and not her.

As for me, which is what I will spend the rest of the time discussing, I am apparently going to grieve a whole bunch of shit:  my father, my life was it was before, my employment, a friendship, certainty (I mean as much as any of us get), the fact that I still allow people like her access to me and my life.  I worked very hard to create something positive and profitable.  So very hard.  It is not easy to have all of that ripped away so savagely and without remorse or feeling.

I know I will be ok.  I have God, meditation, prayer, recovery, a whole host of people who really do love me and support me.  I have skills.  I have intellect.  I have remedies.  I am ok currently and I will be ok in the future.  I have not abandoned my faith or my scruples.  I have not stabbed someone I professed to care about in the back.  I have not behaved in ways that will require an amends later on.  Oh, don’t worry, I am not holding my breath that I shall ever receive any kind of apology or even an acknowledgment, I know that isn’t coming and I don’t need it to move on and heal.  Me and God are tight and we will get through this.  Along with the absolutely loving people I have in my life and corner.

It is a good time to review things.  Beginning of the year, start of a whole new way of living and working.  There was a time in my life that I spent way more time in the fuck you.  Such an unproductive and spiritless place to dwell.  I am grateful that my time in the fuck you is minimal.  I am grateful that I am not allowing myself to wallow in self pity or even justified anger.  I feel what I feel, and then I move on toward a productive and hopefully a better reality for myself.

I do honor the spirit in her.  I do honor the Divine within myself.  And it matters not at all that she cannot or will not reciprocate.  I do not need her cooperation or permission to heal.  I have all I need over here.  And what she does or doesn’t do or what she wants or doesn’t want, is really none of my business.

I guess, one more time, I am being gifted the lesson that some people just are not very good people.  They are filled with fear and insecurity and those corroding threads cause them to behave in ways that don’t align with any kind of morality or kindness at all.  I am not saying this in a holy than thou kind of way...I have been there myself, just not this time.  This time I see the pain and fear and loathing and I know, that even though it is currently aimed at me, it is not about me at all.  Other people do not make us behave in ways that we are not already likely to behave.  How we act or react is 100% on us.

This time has been underscored with grief and loss.  But also a heightened sense of understanding.  I know this isn’t about me.  It is about her.  And there is absolutely nothing I can do about her except let her go and bless her away from me...

I have done the inventory and will continue to review my conduct.  And if I find there is an amends needed, I will make it.  But for now, I am doing my best to move forward, one foot in front of the other, while I feel all the varied and complicated things I feel right now.  I am pausing, a lot.  A fucking lot.  I am making sure that every action is thought through and run past someone BEFORE I do the action.  Discretion is always the better part of valor.  And I want valor.  And I want to hold a high opinion of myself.  Even when things are hard and I might be granted a pass on some outrageousness.  I don’t need to go there.  Fuck you is a place I will spend very little time.  So much more comfortable and life affirming to live in the namaste.

Again, still...

Always.