Coaching for Change...

I got a call earlier this year when I was in Australia.  A woman in an abusive relationship who quite desperately wanted to leave.  She knew that the relationship was killing her, but she felt absolutely powerless to get out.  She was mired in the manipulations, the gaslighting, the metering out doses of control that masqueraded as love.  She wasn’t sure how she got to where she was, so she was very unsure how to get out.  She was all over the place, desperate, angry, afraid.  She couldn’t take her life anymore, but she also didn’t know how to make change.

She wanted to take immediate action.  She was calling me for help.  And I wanted to help her, but I also knew that it was going to take time to help her heal a little before taking on the domestic violence legal system which is fraught with problems, inconsistencies and the like.  It is hard process and she was not strong enough (in my opinion) to make the journey.

I am not sure why she trusted me and accepted me backing her down a bit.  But she did.  She waited until I got back from Australia and we talked at length about what she wanted and why.  We talked about how she ended up here, her being able to own her part in why she selected a man like him.   She sent me hours of videos to watch that documented not only her own abuse but that of their daughter.  They were hard to watch.  I am not sure I am ever going to get the image of her daughter sitting on her bed, waiting for him to come in and punish her will ever leave me.  That poor lost child.  And my client wasn’t in much better shape.

We did the work. We talked things through.  We ran through scenarios.  We did the work of talking it all the way through.  She got counsel.  We worked to heal that which was immediately healable and then she prepared to take action.

She wavered a few times.  Setting deadlines for herself to file, but then backing off.  I supported her decisions and attempted to empower her to be in charge of her own life.  To take the stand, when and if, she decided she was able.

Finally, after much hand wringing and fear, she took the leap.  

She was granted the temporary protective order; protecting her and her daughter.

The police served him and he was removed from the house.  He violated the order the next day, twice. He was arrested.  And spent a little time in jail.

She felt guilty, not happy.  She felt like she had done this to him.  She felt like it was her fault he was suffering consequences.  We spent a lot of time talking about how his actions were not her responsibility. We talked that he was a grown man and she was not in charge of what he did or said.  We talked a great deal about the cycle of abuse and narcissism.

And I watched her take her life back.  Once he was out of the house, she came to life.  Not immediately but over time.  She invested in her own life, she took actions that made her feel good.  She did things with her daughter that they were never allowed to do before.  Slowly, over the ensuing months, she returned to her life which had been so sidelined.

He plead guilty to the violation of the Restraining Order charges.  They had the final Protective Order hearing, and it looked like it was going to be a full hearing with testimony and the like.  But in the end, he settled.  He accepted her terms and there was a finding of domestic abuse lodged against him.  She and her daughter are protected.

Two days after he started messaging her, she sent me the thread (the order allowed for them to talk on OFW about their child only).  It was the first time she talked to him in months.  And it was amazing to watch just how quickly her wonderful new lease on life began to fade.  She became sad and began doubting herself.  His promises of some future they would never have but she desperately wanted, so alluring and compelling.  He had her in his tractor beam and it was working.

She asked for help again.  And we discussed the cycle of abuse again.  We went over his language and the manipulations contained in his messages.  I did my best to reveal the empty promises he had made, so she could see there was nothing new here, more promises of a future they would never, ever hold.

And that is the rub with narcissists.  They are so adept at peddling exactly what you want to buy.  The romantic future that will never, ever come, but lofty and continued promises will prevail.  And when those promises never come true, it will be all your fault.  Their shit behavior will be because of something you did, or some internal failing of yours.  They wouldn’t have to treat you that way, but you kind of asked for it.

It is so hard to see it when you are in it.  And then once you see it, it becomes impossible to not see it.  And if only seeing it made you impervious to succumbing. But it doesn’t.  You can see it for what it is and still go back.  We go back because we quite desperately want to be wanted in exactly the way they want us.  We want the love bombing that lured us in in the first place.  After a lifetime of feeling not seen, or heard, or desired and wanted, they light us up in ways we have been waiting for for all our lives.  It is like you have been holding your breath for your entire life, and they are the one that finally makes it safe to let it go.  Except it isn’t safe and they are not there because of you, they are there because of them.  Always.

Recovering from narcissistic abuse is not easy.  It is life lasting.  And the perils of getting rid of one, only to select another run rampant and high. We, too, are broken and healing is hard when you have someone who is acting like you are the love they have been waiting for forever.  But it is a con.  All of it. It is never about you. It is always, forever about them.  As as quickly as the charm turned on, it magically disappears in the ether.  And you are left cold, alone and in an abusive relationship that you are completely unsure of how you got there.

And you try to leave.  Maybe you actually do.  You spend time away, you tell yourself stories of strength and power and how you will NEVER return to shit treatment like that.  You write things about bread crumbing and being hungry and shit like that.  And then you still take him back because you so desperately want to believe that this person who is saying all the right things, will one day, actually do the right things.

My client made it out and got orders to support her decision.  Not everyone is so lucky. Now probably the hardest work of all begins...healing that which made you vulnerable to a person like that to begin with.  So much easier to throw yourself back out there into the fray...and so very possible you will reel in another one just like the one you just got rid of, or, likely worse.

I am so proud of my client for all her courage and introspection and bravery.  She has walked the gauntlet for sure.  And I hope we continue to work together because now is a critical time.  I cannot count how many times I have helped someone get to exactly where she is right now and then watched them dismantle it all and find themselves back in the confines of the prison they just escaped.  And I have seen a couple of them die.  I have seen them pay with their lives.  And it broke me. 

I pray she is not one of them. And she can close the book on this relationship and do the work to heal herself so that she can be free to make a different choice in the future.  I want her to be happy, to be free and to be away from men (or women) who take the love you so freely give and bastardize into a chain of abuse.

I didn’t become a coach because I thought I knew a great deal of shit.  I became a coach because I survived a lot myself. And I made the mistakes and repeated patterns until I became so lost I was unsure whether I could be found.  Here I was with a lifetime of knowledge about domestic abuse, narcissism, and the legal system.  I have degrees that give me the right to represent people in court.  I have immense experience and knowledge, but I too was broken in a similar way and so I too made the same mistakes with similar results.

So I coach because I too was down for the count.  And I found the way out.  And now feel a sense of duty to help others who want out also.  It is experience born of pain. And knowledge that I paid dearly for.

I am proud of my client and I wish for her a lifetime of being free to love and receive love.  And to never mistake abuse for love again...