As I was thinking about my life this morning, I realized that the whole of my life could be thought of as one long, ongoing dialogue with myself. All the me’s I have been, finally feel like we are one person and that we now just have this ongoing discourse with ourselves.
Once upon a time, there was not harmony among the Erins. There was a lot of disassociation, a lot of fracturing, a lot of discord. There was also a lot of yelling...
This morning I was in touch with the me that exists behind all the other me’s. The one that is watching all the others run around and do stuff, sometimes really stupid stuff, sometimes really brave stuff, sometimes really funny stuff. But today I am sitting and having my coffee with the one behind it all. The one who has always known who she is and what she is all about.
I asked her if I could interview her...she politely declined at first. However I am nothing if not persuasive...she relented (she kind knows I won’t give up and can be a really huge pain in the ass...)
Interviewer Me:
Sooo, how has it been for you, being in the background all this time?
Behind It All Me:
Ok. Actually it has been really very interesting.
Interviewer Me:
I am sure you have seen some stuff!
Behind It All Me:
You would not even believe me if I told you!
Interviewer Me:
What is the thing you have noticed most?
Behind It All Me:
That she never stops trying...she really doesn’t ever give up. She just keeps starting again and again. It is really quite miraculous.
Interviewer Me:
Miraculous? That is kind of a large word for her, don’t you think?
Behind It All Me:
Um, no. If you could see what I have seen, you would see and know. Her ongoing transformation and commitment to never giving up, no matter what, you would agree if you saw.
Interviewer Me:
You sound impressed?
Behind It All Me:
I am. I am in awe. Of her spirit. Her changes. Her ongoing commitment to keep it real, to be true to herself even when she had to learn the hard way by being not true to herself. She rises.
Interviewer Me:
Wow, so how often do you have to reel her in? How often do you need to interfere in her plans and drama to get her back on the proverbial beam?
Behind It All Me:
Never. My job is to be present. To remain. To watch. To observe. I do not interfere. I just have to be patient and wait for her to figure it out. Sometimes that is very hard to do when I can see that she is headed for trouble. But I believe in her, her strength, judgment and resilience. She will figure it out. She always does.
Interviewer Me:
Does she know you are there, watching?
Behind It All Me:
She didn’t for a long time. There is a part of her that is super judgey. That one hid the real me for a long time. She only heard the criticism. She heard just the ongoing judgment. But that was not me, that was just fear talking to her and telling her all sorts of things that weren’t really true and were super unhelpful.
Interviewer Me:
When do you think she noticed you?
Behind It All Me:
A little over five years ago. I think one day I cleared my throat when she was doing really poorly and she just looked up and into the mirror and there I was.
Interviewer Me:
Did she freak out? Kind of weird to notice this person who has been there all along but was not really seen? That is a little trippy!
Behind It All Me:
She was super curious. She wondered why I never said anything for all those years. I told her she wasn’t ready to talk to me. She couldn’t really understand me and my role. So I remained quiet until she was ready.
Interviewer Me:
And was she ready? Was she receptive to this concept of the person behind the person?
Behind It All Me:
It intrigued her at first. It is hard to wrap your mind around the idea that out of all the voices in your head there is this other one that has been there all along that hasn’t said a word...that is sometimes hard to believe.
Interviewer Me:
But she got there? She understood and accepted it?
Behind It All Me:
Yes. She came around pretty quickly...actually. It can be a real shit show. Many do not see it or understand it and so they fight it. They are never ok with the watcher person in their head and even if they know it is there they don’t know how to engage that part of themselves into an active dialogue.
Interviewer Me:
So how often do you talk now?
Behind It All Me:
Every minute of every single day. She converses with me. She allows me commentary on what is going on. She checks her perceptions with me to see if I have perceived the same thing. Sometimes we line up pretty good, sometimes, we don’t. Regardless, we have a commitment to check in with each other.
Interviewer Me:
That sounds nice.
Behind It All Me:
It is very lovely to have an ongoing dialogue with yourself instead of an ongoing war. The ceasefire has been a nice reprieve. And it seems as permanent as anything can be in this life.
Interviewer Me:
Well, tell her I say hello when you next speak.
Behind It All Me:
I will tell her. We are having coffee later today.
And that is what has happened to me with me. I have learned to have this ongoing dialogue with myself. About me. About you. About everything. All the time. It has given me the ability to know myself and that allows me to be authentic with you. I have come to learn who I am. What I like, what I don’t like. What I can change. What I can’t. What I am willing to do and what I am not. The person behind it all tells me things that I could never have known, or even fathomed before. Today, we discuss me and all the many versions, updates, downgrades and variations. She is the center and the core who sees all. She is truth. Personal truth. The one who quietly whispers “Yes, you can.” Over and over until I believe her. Until I stop resisting here. Until I see that, in fact, yes, I can.
I hope you are able to embrace the ongoing dialogue you are having with yourself. I hope you are able to get to the person behind the harsh words, the critical parent, the hyper vigilant neurotic. I hope you are able to allow the one that sees it all to show you who you are to you. I hope that the skill of having an ongoing dialogue with yourself becomes the peaceful and loving conversation I am having with me. It has seriously become the best relationship I have ever had...
