Does the Anger Help?

I grew up with anger.  My dad was a pretty angry guy for most of my life.  Funny, now addled with dementia he is passive and happy.  The irony glares.  I can’t blame my dad for anger being my default emotional response, but I think, it is fair to say, he has a lot to do with it.

My innate, natural reaction to life was to get pissed.  That is just what happened.  I didn’t get what I wanted, anger.  I lost something I had, pissed.  You cut me off in traffic, fuck you.  You hurt my feelings, let’s go!  It was just how I became wired.  

I do not think it was innate.  I absolutely believe my commitment to anger came from my childhood and the things that happened.  I felt very powerless and anger was something that made me feel like I had control that I didn’t really have.  So, it really became my first addiction. Luckily for me it was tempered with an extreme case of codependence so my assholeness was limited in its scope and duration.

Once I sobered up, I had to address the fighting, the yelling and the general pissyness with which I walked through life.  My Vesuvius like eruptions were no longer acceptable and I had to do some work on it.  And I did.  I worked steps, I went to therapy to get at the root causes of all my pissedoffness.  And it helped.   And I developed other emotions that were previously subsumed by my good old pal, anger.  It was uncomfortable.  It was not a great deal of fun but I worked at it.

And I have continued to work at it.  Diligently.  But I will own that it has only been recently that I really had another option.  I might have been able to control the outward manifestations of my anger, but it didn’t change how I really felt.  I might have fooled you all into thinking that I was now capable of emoting on some higher plane, but alas, not really.

However, recently, when confronted with a situation that would provoke anger out of anyone, St. Theresa included, I began the usual emotion devolution into anger’s abyss but then on my way down, I had this thought, “Does the anger help?”  And it fucking changed everything.

I felt like the Samurai in the old Zen tale:

The Story:

A powerful samurai, known for his strength and battles, sought out a renowned Zen Master, eager to learn about heaven and hell. The samurai, accustomed to respect and obedience, was stunned when the master responded to his request with utter disdain, calling him "dumb," "dirty," and an "embarrassment". The samurai, enraged, drew his sword, ready to strike and kill the Zen Master.

The Turning Point:

As the samurai raised his sword, the Zen Master, with a calm smile, spoke the words, "That, sir, is hell". The samurai, momentarily frozen, realized the profound lesson: that anger and resentment are the very sources of suffering and the "hell" they create. He lowered his sword, humbled and grateful for the master's unexpected, yet powerful, teaching.

The Enlightenment:

The Zen Master then said, "And that's heaven," referring to the samurai's newfound awareness and willingness to learn. The samurai, having faced the reality of his own emotions and actions, experienced a profound shift, understanding that true heaven lies in the acceptance of oneself and the present moment, even in the face of adversity.

Yep, totally had that moment the other day.  

Someone did something, or rather didn’t do something, that greatly disappointed me.  And my go to reaction was pissed fucking off.  And I started down that very familiar trail that leads to no place I have ever wanted to go.  So as I started to ramp up, this thought, that was clearly not mine, came to me...

“Does the anger help?”

And it was just like the Samurai in the story, I was immediately humbled into a new way of consciousness.  No, the anger would help no one.  Not the person who let me down.  Not me.  Not anyone.  And right there, in the very moment of my dismay, I just let it go.  I just stopped being angry.  I, instead, saw perhaps for the very first time that the anger would help absolutely no one.  And, more importantly, having done all this other work around anger for decades, was then able to just release the need to go up and then down, and return to the present moment where everything was fine and exactly as it should be, even though that clashed with the way I would have rather had it be.

It was one of those minute, almost missable life altering moments.  Because when you see the futility of your own behavior, it is a great motivator for change.

For me, the anger has rarely helped.  It has not brought people closer to me, it has not deepened my relationships or the ability of me to have loving connections.  It has grossly and sometimes irrevocably hindered my ability to love, intimate and relate.  

And on a random fucking Monday recently, this simple, quiet but profound thought changed my whole existence.  Pretty dramatic words, I know.  But it happened.  I was there.  And now am reaping the benefits of the epiphany.

I am going to keep going...

Again...still.