Enough is a Decision, Not an Amount...

I am not sure it if is just being a drunk, but I have always had trouble with enough.  I mean, what exactly is enough?  And I think I struggled with this concept for a very long time because I thought of it as an amount, instead of a decision.

When I think of enough as an amount, the way I am wired, that comes back with always missing the mark.  From my emotional perspective there was never enough:

Love

Attention

Booze

Money

Food

Fun

Travel

Clothes

Friends & Family

Fill in the fucking blank

No matter where I was on my growth trajectory, burning my life to the ground OR working to NOT do that anymore, I was plagued by the notion, feeling and idea of never, ever having enough of whatever it is I wanted or needed in the moment.

But over the years, enough transmogrified into a decision.  And it is one I seem to have to make repeatedly...

I have enough love in this moment, mostly because I love me

I have enough attention in this moment, mostly because I can now give what I need to myself

I have had enough booze for my lifetime and now it is totally 100% off limits

I have enough money, really

I have enough to eat, and I always have

I have lots of fun in my life and I do not need more, really

I have enough opportunities for travel, no matter what my heart tells me

For fuck’s safe, I have enough fucking clothes, on this we would all agree

I have the best friends/family and they are totally enough, I lack nothing in this department

Most days, I walk through the world feeling blessed and favored for all I have received and I require nothing more.

And, because I am me, I have to constantly attend to my decision for enough.  I get lost, again, still.  I can see what you have or what you don’t have and I can get all caught up with myself and wind up feeling like I do not have enough, or it isn’t the right kind, or I should have something better or different or whatever. I always thought that I needed all this outside shit to change the reality I wasn’t enjoying...but in truth, I just needed internally to decide that I have enough, even when every fiber of my being tells me otherwise.  How I feel about enough has become something I have to run by someone else because I have a faulty meter on this whole enough thing. It is like my gauge is broken and I am always going to see the meter as reading lower than it should be, than I want it to be or that I need it to feel.

But on those days when I can survey my own life (which I do every single day of my life) and I can conclude that I currently, in this moment, have enough of all I need and most of what I want, I am free to live this other life.  This higher life.  I rise above the selfish and self centered directives that come from somewhere in me that is both very shallow but stationed very deeply within me.

And I have to make the decision of enough every single day of my life, sometimes all day every day.  I just have a natural tendency to feel a quart low, or on some days, have nothing left in the proverbial tank at all.

I think the decision to find enough in all these external places became so much easier when I did the work to decide I am enough right now. Perhaps, for me, all the lack and lacking was a direct result of not being enough of what I needed to and for myself. And when I decided, and it was a decision, to be enough for me, that set the stage to change my relationship to myself and how I relate to this concept of enough. Perhaps we must be enough to ever feel like we have enough?

I think I will always struggle with the concept of enough until I can absolutely understand that it is never an amount!  It will always be a decision, one that I have to keep making over and over and over again, forever.

Again, still...

And when I am able to make that decision, I am so fucking happy, joyous and free!