I did something yesterday on Facebook, that I haven't done but one other time...changed my relationship status. I changed my status from married to single once upon a time...but regardless of my relationships status since, I have never changed my single state until yesterday.
Now it would be great if I could tell you that I did this because I wanted everyone to know I was in a relationship. But that would not be completely true. I did it because I have been getting a lot of friend requests and other weird messages from unwanted suitors. And when I saw my relationship status, I thought “well, it does says that you are single, maybe this is part of the issue!” And so I changed it. And I really didn't think anymore about it.
It is the truth. I am in a committed relationship. But if I really wanted everyone to know those intimate details I would have said for how long and with whom. I did not. That is my business and while I do not care if people who know me, know. I do not feel like I need to broadcast that out to the entire internet.
I do not know exactly how all this social media stuff works. I post stuff related to my writing and occasionally my kids but that is really it. I am not on there all day and I am not really much of even a Facebook voyeur anymore either. My own life is taking up quite a bit of my time so I am spending less and less time on social media.
Well, apparently changing your relationship status is a thing...having only done it once before, I didn’t know. Thank you for all the well wishes. It was really overwhelming! First because I didn’t really think through that it would post this on my page and then because I didn’t think that anyone really paid all that much attention. Well, lesson learned, you do!
I am not sure that I have accomplished my goal of getting all the male friend requests to stop. I mean, if I know you then that is cool, but I am getting like ten or more a day from men I don’t know, who I have no common friends with and arguably have no connection to at all. This status change was really to stem that tide and inadvertently I created a whole other tide.
So yes I am in a relationship. And thank you, so far, if my inadvertent outing of us doesn’t completely fuck it up, it is going remarkably well. And I am happy. Like really happy. And I can say that even with the panic that I feel that claiming some sort of happiness in the relationship department makes me feel like I have just signed our death warrant. But I am going to just ride out that feeling also.
What I know for sure is that this was not a me thing. I didn’t seek this person out. I didn’t do anything to cause this to happen. It just happened. And it has had its ups and downs. He is a fantastic person and I am lucky to be with him. And God is in charge of all of this. Not me. And I hope that God can forgive the hubris that caused me to out us in this public way while trying to deal with some other aspect of relationshiping.
I am not sure what this will do to NRT. I have really only had myself to consider for the past almost four years. Now there is someone else who is intimately tied to me and will be impacted by what I write and what I post. And that is a new thought pattern for me. I haven’t really had to consider anyone else...I mean I do consider others (even when I am accused of not doing so). The blog is just where I claim me, and I post what I need to post regardless of what you may think about me in what I write. You get to judge me and my actions and my indiscretions and my “crazy” because I put it out there for you to do so.
And I now have a feeling that is new to me...I want to not put it all out there...because I really value what I have going and I do not want to do anything to fuck it up. So I am at odds with where I am...I still have this desire to tell the truth and to write about what I think, and feel and experience. But I also have this desire to keep at least this aspect of my life private and safe...well as safe as any relationship can be. And just as I write this, I am also feeling like I do want to share about it because I am learning so much about love, relating, commitment and all those wonderful things.
Discretion is the better part of valor. And I am hoping that I can use discretion so that our relationship has a chance at becoming whatever it is supposed to be. For now, what I guess I want to communicate is that I really don’t want anymore friend requests that are really just preludes to a date. If I wanted to be on Facebook dating, I would have been a long time ago. I am not, so that is not what I am looking for. Please do not private message me with come ons or the like. I will not respond. If you struggle in the relationship department as I have, then I hope you will stay and read and relate. And if I touch your life in some small or large way, I hope you will let me know. Commentary is always welcome, even if I know that sometimes it will be negative.
This is yet another frontier for me. Living my authentic real life on social media. It is new and I have already made a great faux pas. Not completely intending to do what I did. But I am paying the consequences for that always.
My hope remains steadfast to what it has always been, that if there is something that I have walked through, some fear addressed or overcome, some experience shared it is all done in an effort to claim my place in life with an eye toward sharing it so that you too can relate or feel seen or heard or just know that there is another person out there that has loved, has loved and lost, grieves, feels the feels, is vulnerable, is scared, but goes on anyway trying to be as authentic as I possibly can while living this life, this amazing, beautiful life that is filled with love, and compassion and so very much blessing. And grace. So much grace that I can still be here even with all my missteps to include outing myself and my new relationship yesterday on Facebook. I do not know exactly what I am doing, clearly. And hopefully at least one of you can relate and know that there is a kindred spirit here, writing it all down so that you can feel better about yourself.
If I am not example, then I am a warning. Always. And both serve a purpose. Always.