Gratitude for 50 Something...

I will be 56 in a couple weeks.  And I have to say, I have never felt better in my life.  Sure there are the aches and pains that come with middle age, but currently, I have evolved to the best version of myself, ever.  I have never been this whole, healthy, coupled with a feeling of completeness.

There is such freedom that comes with middle age.  One really doesn’t give a fuck about what the masses think anymore.  It is so liberating.  Being freed from the constant and unremitting judgment of others.  I mean, they still judge, but I just don’t care anymore. And when there was a time in my life where I cared quite desperately, this feels like a long breath of fresh air after being under ground for a long time.

There is also an accumulated wisdom that can be relied upon. I mean, I am still learning things in this life, about you, relationships, people, places, things, how to do things differently, but there is a certain accreditation about your life when you hit middle 50s.  It is a wealth of knowledge you can count on.  Which is nice.  You don’t always doubt yourself, and if you do, you really don’t give a fuck.  It is a lovely place to be really.

I have done enough work where I can see I still have some rather glaring defects that need attention, but for the most part, I like who I am and how I show up.  I am still evolving but I don’t feel the pressure so much anymore.

My kids are now adults and I get to enjoy their journey while having the pressure of raising minors relieved.  It is up to them now, of course, with my support, but I am not in charge anymore and that is a huge relief.  I have to trust they have the skills and metal to forge their own life.  And I get to be here with them to enjoy it and lend support when needed.  This is really nice parenting!

My friend group is small and intimate.  It is still diverse but it is manageable and fun.  The people who are in my life, are here because they want to be and I want them to be.  All of the takers have passed on through and the people who remain are good, solid friends that can be counted upon for whatever I might need or want.  And they know that constancy is mirrored back.

My days are purposeful and on my own terms for the most part.  I get to do what I want.  A long walk with the dog and a friend.  Time to spend as much time at the gym as I want.  Weekly dinner with my mom and kids.  Weekends that stretch in any direction I wish.  Evenings on the couch, with a fire, under a blanket of purring cats.  Life is fucking so good.

And it took all this time for me to feel mostly at home in my own skin. Perhaps other people hit their stride earlier, not me, but I have it now and I am immensely grateful for that today.

Being 50 something has allowed me to be content to be myself.  Not who you want or expect, but who I am.  And the older I get, the less the desire or need arises for me to become someone else.  I am ok, really, just as I am.  And to feel that way for 5 minutes is pretty amazing, but to feel that way most of the time is fucking awesome.

Sure I miss some things about youth.  Mostly it is my vanity that misses things from my younger years.  How my skin looked and felt is really the main thing.  I see my daughter’s skin and I have nostalgia for how I used to look.  But that is mostly a fleeting feeling.  I know, because life has taught me, that with every give there is a take.  And for me, I have married up my sagging, wrinkling skin as the price I have paid for the contentment I feel just being me and alive.  And on most days, I just accept what is.

There is a simplicity to being in your 50s that was absent in all my other decades thus far.  I need less, I want, well, I still want a lot but even that is falling into some sort of stasis.  I am more content with time to do nothing.  My social calendar is pretty bleak and I like it that way.  Travel is something I do with regularity and the fact I don’t have a partner has not slowed me down one single bit.

Being 20 was fun.  But it was exhausting.  I am grateful I do not have to keep that pace today.  Being 50 is kind of like being 20 again, but slower, and cooler and more in control of your destiny.  And way better funded.

I guess it is evidence of a life well lived when you can be in your actual decade of life and be content with what is.  I do not long for the past and I am rushing towards the future.  Being 50 something is totally right, right now.

Again, still...

I am grateful for

Heat - not having it sure makes you appreciate when you do

Hot coffee

The kittens

My cozy living room

My health

Purring - it is so calming

Wednesday night meeting

Chelsea

Mitch

Elizabeth isn’t in too much pain from her surgery

Being able to trust the process

Prayer