Facing Fear...

Not my favorite thing to do.  I prefer to run from it.  Like fast, and far.  But I have found the more I run from something, the closer I really am to it.  It is like all the distance I put between me and it, acts like some sort of shackle, tethering it to me no matter how much distance I put between us.

So I have learned, the hard way, fear is something to just face head on.  Stop in front of it, glare if you must, and stare that fucker down.  This takes an amazing amount of fortitude and sticktoitiveness.  Running always feels like the easier option.

But I have learned, again, the hard way, the more I attempt to put distance between me and whatever it is I am afraid of, the ties that bind us together develop a ropey texture that only builds over time, like scar tissue, disconnected to the feelings that should rightfully belong to it, but painful anyway.  And the more distance this sinewy fiber is stretched across, the stronger it becomes and the harder it is to cut the tie that binds.

And no matter how much I learn, relearn, I still believe this strategy of attempting to turn away from fear and run, is the better option. I mean, I know it is NOT the better option.  Nevertheless, I still do it all too frequently.

Sometimes, though, I am learning, I have both the willingness and ability to just stand my ground and stand tall right in the middle of fear’s negative swath.  I just stand there, hand raised into a stopping signal, and remain when fear feels like it is coming at me like a fucking freight train.  This takes an amazing amount of courage and bravery and fucking badassery.  If you can do this, then you are automatically issued the official “bad ass at this whole living thing” card.  It is a life time membership.  Even if you subsequently run away when fear comes round the next time.  You just have to stand tall against fear one time and you get the card and the bragging rights.

And the thing about standing up and refusing to back down just that one time, is that you get nerve and heart and an increased ability to do it again the next time fear comes a knocking.  And it will, because fear is a tenacious fucker with a seemingly endless amount of energy, stamina and willpower.

I have also learned that refusing to face my fears is the exact thing that creates my limits.  How far I can go in this life, what I can experience, what I can love, enjoy, feel is limited absolutely by my unwillingness to face that which makes me afraid.  Fear is limiting and limitless.  Another life paradox that vexes me.

So if I want to create greater limits for myself, I must, absolutely face my fears.  My comfort zone only gets larger and wider and more spacious when I confront all the things that hold me back and down, fear being the number one offender.

There is no life without fear.  We cannot eradicate it.  We cannot push it away forever, it comes for us all, like a living death we cannot avoid, but pretend we can. Much like the actual death that we attempt to cheat with delusion and creams and botox.  But death and fear will come anyway, no matter what we tell ourselves, no matter how much we pretend that either will spare us, fear and death come for us all.  Luckily, death is more patience and comes usually later, while fear makes a visit every fucking day.

So if I want more expansive limits, then I have to be willing to face the things that scare me.  And the thing that scares me most is people.  Yep, people.  You guys are fucking terrifying.  Having to tell you my hard truths, the things I really think and feel, instead of lying and bullshitting you.  Having to trust you with my heart and life.  All such a reckless gamble really, especially today where no one seems to be what they appear and everyone seems to be living a social media life and then a real life that is much grimier and gritty.

So I have come to see that every encounter I have with others is a battle against the fear that tends to rule me with bone and fiber, strong tethers to hold me in place and away from any real forward progress.

For me, it will always be people.  Letting you in, telling you my horrible truths.  And by horrible I do not mean that I have some dark underworld shit going on, just that my emotions and feelings about you might not be what I allow you to believe.  I might really detest you but have so long practiced the fine art of lying and hiding that you have absolutely no idea that I harbor such feelings of disdain.  So I guess in addition to people being especially fear provoking, I have a very baseline fear of you knowing what I am actually thinking and feeling.  Which results in an almost insurmountable fear of allowing you into my actual world, that I live in and inhabit.  Preferring instead to keep you in some sort of intimate distance that will never be satisfactory for either of us.  Yet, I persist.

I am working on it.  The whole people thing and letting you in.  Currently I am accumulating cats at an alarming rate, because cats are wayyyy easier than people.  Intimacy with cats is easy, because they are always exactly who they are, and they have no compunction about letting you see their demonic, somewhat possessed sides and give absolutely no fucks as to whether or not you will still love them once the big reveal has happened.  This would be why I like animals better than people.  No hidden agendas...except perhaps to get you to give them their dinner early.  And I get that.

If I do not face my fears, they become my default limitations.  There is no other way around this.  That which I fear and attempt to ignore, shutting my eyes tightly and wishing it all away, only leaves me standing in the middle of my own life, blinded to the hard realities that abound around me.  While it isn’t pleasant, isn’t it much easier to stand with eyes wide open to see all the terrifying shit life is going to throw at you?  I mean standing there eyes firmly shut, fists clenched really doesn’t prepare you for much of anything except getting pummeled good.

So face the fear and move forward. Run from it and be tethered to it forever.   Fear: Face Everything and Run or Face Everything and Recover. The choice is always yours. 

Again, still...