Full Moon in Sagittarius...

Did ya see it last night?  It was quite spectacular.  Usually, I see there is going to be some meteorological event and I promise myself, I will venture out, after dark, to take it in.  Then I promptly forget and go to bed and then kick myself in the morning.  But yesterday I was fired up all day long.  I was just in it and it felt good.  I wasn’t tired and the whole day didn’t suck ass, so thank you Tuesday.  It is about time!

Last night, as darkness descended, I remembered the arrival of the Strawberry Moon and I ventured out, alone.  I mean, seriously, do I really venture out any other way???

I drove out to Lake Casitas and watched the moon rise over the lake.  It was strange, in that, it was so big and bright that it seemed almost sun like.  I swear this is happening more often. I do not ever recall a moonrise looking like a sunrise, but I will also tell you that I have seen several in the last year.

My photos do not do it justice of course.  I try.  But the iPhone and I have a limited scope engagement on stellar photos...

I did a bit of research and the people in the know (I really do believe people have insights into such things that aren’t so easily accessible to the rest of us) said this full moon in Sagittarius invites you to reconnect with your truth, your vision and your purpose.    Apparently a wilder, wiser version of us is primed for awakening.  I am not sure my life can handle a wilder version of me...I really can’t.

But if the wilder only comes with the wiser, then I am all in.  I definitely need the wiser and I am not one to shy away from the wilder.  Last night on my evening walk I said something to my mom about me not having too many neuroses and she laughed so hard I think she almost fell off her chair.  Thanks, mom!  I was of course kidding...we all know I have a lot of, well, stuff.  And I have come to terms with that.  I like things a certain way.  I like my routines and then I like taking off to parts unknown, alone and seeing what I find.  Routines be dammed.

I mean, it could be true.  It could all be rubbish.  That is kinda the cool thing about life, is that we just don’t know.  We just are in this grand trial and error experiment.  Trying things out, failing, trying them again, failing again, trying, gaining limited success, failing again.  None of us knows what the actual fuck is going on.  I mean, if you think about it, it is kinda wild.  None of know what we are doing!  NONE OF US!  We all have purpose and commitments and jobs and the like but none of us knows why we are here and what the fuck we are doing.  Not really.  And if you are sure that you do, I am pretty sure we would not be friends.

The best I can come up with is that we are given these lives to learn to love.  We think it is about others, but really, it is about ourselves.  We are here on this earth to connect and grow in intimate and spiritual capacities.  All of us with limited success.  Some of us grow ever closer to the mark, while others of us just keep buying shit off Amazon, being absolutely sure that THIS whatever the fuck it is, will bring us lasting peace.  It never does.  Which is great for Amazon because 20 minutes later, we are sure THIS thing is the thing.  Great business model, by the way.

Ok, off my problems with capitalism rant, and back to the motherfucking moon!  It was spectacular.  And I would love to leave you with this image of me, staring longingly at the strawberry moon in my astrological sign.  But that wasn’t what happened, well not at first.  I couldn’t get my stupid camera to work because it was still connected to my car and I am not sure why but my car has obliterated my iPhone’s ability to be in video function.  It is a thing and it pisses me off on the regular.  I mean I want my phone and car to get along, just not to the degree that they conspire against me and my wishes.  Benevolent devices that do what I want, when I want it.

But last night, they were in cahoots (funny word) and refused to work, so the first series of photos I took were supported and flanked by a great deal of irritation and swearing.  So there is that.  How am I doing on that whole spiritual quest?  HAHAHA!

The second place I went over the lake to take photos, I did better.  I stood solo on a cliff side, listening to the water lap the shore.  I am sure the water in Lake Casitas has done this before, but I swear I have never heard it until last night.  I stood there watching the moon rise quietly across the night time sky, listening to gentle waves cull the shore.  Dazzled and comforted by the environs.  And I took a breath, I mean one of those all the way down deep breaths.  And then I stood there contemplating my life and how I live it and coming up a little short, but in a way that made me feel ok.  I may not be a titan of industry or madly loved by the masses, but there on that cliff overlooking a mountain lake, I was ok, just as I was.  Nothing needing to be added or deleted from me, in that moment, anyway.

And I assessed, correctly, I believe, anyway, that while I am not killing this whole fucking living and loving thing, I am not doing too badly either.  I do not hate myself anymore.  I really do wish I could get my shit together in a couple of important ways, but I guess I have to just keep trying, and maybe one day I will get it and maybe one day I will not.  I guess the living is in the effort expended...

So I don’t know if I am off on another wild, mad adventure but I do know that last night I felt comfortable, good even, in my own skin.  Nothing and no one else needed to be added.  And that feels like progress towards my truth, my vision and my purpose.  I know that I would really like to find someone to love that loves me back, but maybe, this whole strange, painful, daring, mad caper we call living was just to teach me not to hate me.  And in the process of sorting all of that out, I found a way to love me through all my bullshit and neurotic shit.

And last night, on the cliffside shores of a sweet mountain lake, I moved a little closer to what has become my more ultimate goal...loving what is.

Again, still.