I have never been a half way kind of person. I am either completely out, or totally in, for most things in this life. Get a cat, why not get three? Big purchases - by two new cars within a week of each other. Change career directions at almost 54...sure, why the fuck not? Historically, I am a risk taker. I am not an adrenaline junkie - anymore, well, not like I used to be and even at my worst (or best - really depends on how you look at it) I was never a free climb kind of person. Major respect to those people though, they really are living life without a net.
So I have been historically an all or nothing person. Very much in, or very much out.
This quote came to mind...
Do not love half lovers
Do not entertain half friends
Do not live half a life
Do not live half a life
and do not die a half death
If you choose silence, then be silent
When you speak, do so until you are finished
If you accept, then express it bluntly
Do not mask it
If you refuse then be clear about it
for an ambiguous refusal is but a weak acceptance
Do not accept half a solution
Do not believe half truths
Do not dream half a dream
Do not fantasize about half hopes
Half the way will get you no where
You are a whole that exists to live a life
not half a life.
~Khalil Gibran
And it was in reading this that I realized just how much of my life has been half lived...
I have chosen silence but then refused to be quiet about it.
I have began to speak but then allowed others to cut me off and shut me down.
I have been less than blunt...in fact I have danced all around an issue trying desperately to preserve the feelings of all involved.
I have given many weak acceptances in my ambiguous refusal.
I have lived on half solutions, even though I know they get me nowhere.
I have believed every half truth told to me, except I didn’t, because in recognizing it was a half truth, I knew it was faulty from the word go.
I have lived on half dreams, ones that were easily replaced with the dreams and wishes of others.
And I have lived forever on half hopes for myself and for others.
In truth, my entire existence is shot through with this whole half bullshit. And I see that now. In fact, most likely, in my bouncing back and forth between the extremes of my emotional landscape, I have missed many an opportunity to go all in. In fact, this whole ping pong way of living life evinces a dedicated and true commitment to half measures. In truth, I think I have always wanted to do just enough to appear better than I am.
Ok, that is painful to admit. And a very large part of me wants to go back and erase it from the screen...but I won’t because that would just be half measures in action.
Half measure avail us nothing...not half. Except sometimes they do, they get us part of the way there and then we, with all our magical thinking, decide that half way is as far as we really wanted to go in the first place...it is like deciding to travel across the country and getting to Kansas and saying, “well this seems far enough, I have really seen the land...”
Now anyone who has ever been to Kansas knows that it is not a good representation of the country in total. Kansas has its charms for sure, but it cannot communicate sufficiently the majesty of the entire United States.
But I get the sentiment...it took a lot of work to get to Kansas and now you are tired...and what seemed like a good idea at the start, now seems like a lot of added work that perhaps just isn’t required...but there is a lot to be said for doing what you said you would and pushing yourself past your boundaries and limiting mind.
I have a mind that tells me all the time “hey, this is good enough, you can stop now...no, you aren’t where you want to be, but you can just change your mind...”
And this would be why my life has adjusted downward a great deal...always seeking some lower level that would not require so much from me...and has resulted in a great number of half measures, which I am here to tell you really have afforded me nothing.
What to do?
Well, I believe we each are responsible for our full actions and it is incumbent upon all of us to push, to strive, to work towards the life we really want. The one that seems just out of reach but beckons us like a lover in full bloom. How can we refuse?
Not sure about you, but I refuse by deciding, mostly because of fear, that I don’t really love that lover, or they aren’t what I am looking for now, or they have some annoying habit that just drives me mad...the faces of the decision to stop are varied, but they all come from one place..that place where I am afraid that I am not going to get what I want or that I shall lose that which I already have...so many dreams (and lovers) died right there.
So I am recommitting to the whole measures thing. I do not want to live half a life. I do not wish to be lulled into complacency by living this life that is full of excuses and littered with broken promises, mostly from myself to myself. And in order to really accomplish this, I am going to have to start demanding better from those around me. I can’t put up with your half measures if I am committed to not sitting in mine. This does not mean that I am coming over to your side of the street to insist you do yours, no, quite the opposite, I will just accept your half measures where I am concerned as your unequivocal request to be exited from my life.
I have a strong suspicion that life lived wholly and with complete measures is going to be a little dicey...but I am equally sure the reward immense, even if the only reward is more time spent alone.
Half measures avail us nothing, and fuck if I have not been consumed and occupied a great portion of my life making much ado about fucking nothing...
Time for a change, don’t you think?
