I Don't Like Your Energy...

It is the thing that walks into any room before you do...

I was thinking of getting a t-shirt or sweatshirt with that on it.  It would be so appropriate.  I so often feel that way about people.  It isn’t them or even their personalities, it is the energy they bring into the room.  And so often, I do not like it.

And as I was pondering this and why this might be, I realized that also, equally true, I do not like my own energy.  And this truth hit me hard and fast, like a sucker punch I didn’t see coming...

This has been my absolute issue throughout my entire life, I do not like my own energy and so, feel that miring myself in yours might be a better solution.  So far, that has never been the case.  Not in the short term, often.  Not in the long term, ever.  Turns out there is no one’s energy I can endure for very long, including my own.

And then this got me thinking that relationships are really just energetic exchanges.   That is what we are doing, bathing in each others’ energetic fields.  Often to our own demise.  Lord knows I have submersed myself in more than a few toxic fields, but I called them hot or fun, or interesting, or love.  And I paid the consequences of that misnaming, mislabeling.  Dearly, I have paid.

So this led to my next thought train which was what if I stopped trying to do this?  What if I saw people’s energy as something I could elect not to engage with, what if I sought to clean up my own energetic field daily.  What if I saw each day as a new opportunity to purify and heal my own energy, and that in turn, I might, just maybe, be attracted to others’ fields in a more authentic way and manner?

It is an idea, that bears further thought.

For now, I am hovering, perseverating even, on the idea that perhaps I don’t like your energy because I don’t like my own, or maybe it isn’t even really that I don’t like my own energy...could it be that I just have never known what to do with it?  Perhaps my own energy has so overwhelmed me that I founder through this life, somewhat feeling like a firehose left unattended.  Flipping out and around, spraying all this precious energy all over the fucking place.  Casting little drops on some, and completely knocking others over.  I have had a large reach, but little real connection.  At least that is the way it lands with me today.

I do not know what to do about all this energy I have, how I choose to spend it and how much I like to break the bank.  However, I do see I have started to make life lasting changes.  It isn’t easy, fuck it is actually really hard.  But I am finding this inward retreat I have taken over the last six months has helped me enjoy myself more, and you less.  Turns out I don’t miss a great number of you.  Turns out that I am learning what to do with myself and my energy, and that process is so much easier when solo and solitary.

I love the idea of two beautiful energetic fields melding together and creating some sort of cosmic force field for good in each other’s lives.  But having said that, I feel like it is out of my reach.  I am not sure of my own capabilities in this area.  I tend to be an energetic hog, of my own and yours.  Addict to my core, I just always want more than is possible to attain.  Then I don’t even want what I have because I didn’t really value it in the first place.  It is an issue.  Fuck, a hard fucking issue.

I think what plagues me most at this juncture in my life is that I still am really not sure what to give my energy to, and to whom.  I just don’t know.  I seem to be absolutely aligned with placing my energy and attention on people who do not really want it, not in any real way, they would like to rent my energy or use it for a little while, but they are not really feeling the whole merging thing, except sexually.  And I have to own that I do this too.  I am not so much a victim as I am a volunteer.  And though I would totally like a different end result, I don’t seem to be able to get there, because I keep selecting the same fucking energy over and over again.  Still.  Fuck.  Dammit.

Anyway, it is an interesting thought thread that I am going to continue to pursue.  How much of my energy can I handle?  What do I do with the energy I have that I do not know what to do with or cannot seem to control or handle?  How much more would I enjoy other people’s energy if I did a better job at regulating my own?  How much of me not liking your energy is actually the result of me not really appreciating and valuing my own?

Fuck, seems like a lot of fucking work to ask of someone at 4:24 on a Tuesday...

But that is me, that is my energy.  I ask these mother fucking questions all the time, and I cannot seem to not do this. 

Today, I am going to pay attention to what energy I bring to all I do and engage with and see how much and often I like my own shit. Then perhaps I can focus on what is within my control and stop trying to manipulate and control all of you and your energy that I find so offensive.  As usual, I am either running hard and fast away or jumping in with both eyes closed and shocking little information about you and your energy.  Two extremes, one woman on the edge.  Hahaha, I just described perfectly the emotional landscape of my interior.  Inadvertently.  Fuck.

Well, here is to a lovely Tuesday that is full of good vibes, yours and mine.  Ok, well here is praying for that.

Cheers!