Joe Blog #11: Unspoken Rules...

Oh my, there are so many of them.  So many pitfalls to navigate in this life.  Fairly simple ones like:  don’t ask for seconds when you are invited over for dinner until after everyone has eaten.  To all the very complex unwritten rules that apply to love and dating.  I am quite sure I do not know a great number of them which is a partial explanation as to why I am always in trouble in this area of my life.

I am not sure how we are just supposed to know these rules.  I mean, I guess we are educated on the fly, when we fail to observe them and suffer the consequences of our actions.  Which often, at least for me, comes with a very large serving of humble pie.

Don’t put your elbows on the table, don’t chew gum in school (I think that one is actually written down somewhere), only one serving of ice cream should be eaten. Who comes up with this shit?

I am not a huge fan of these unspoken rules mostly because I have such a flair for violating them in very public ways that ensure very deep embarrassment and ego punctuation.  Apparently I need them spoken, written and then reinforced quite a bit so I can take my time coming into compliance.

This week’s topic got me thinking a lot about all the unspoken rules of dating...

Don’t have sex on the first date (or second, or third)

Don’t call immediately after a date, wait a few days

Hold back your thoughts and feelings until time has passed and you are sure the other person feels the same way about you

Don’t follow each other on social media until and unless you want to be stalked or are really serious about each other ( this is likely the same thing in reality)

Meet in a public place

Always leave them wanting more

Don’t trust a guy who says, “trust me”

Don’t believe that wholesome appearing girl isn’t fucking 27 other people

Lying is inevitable

That there is some timeline to a relationship - i.e. you should wait this long for sex, then you should wait this long to move in together, then wait this long to marry, etc.  (which is all a load of crap because you can follow the unspoken rules and have just as big a shit show as if you didn’t).

Don’t be the first one to say “I love you”

Do not ever be the one who says nothing back to “I love you”

If sex is what you want,  hit it and quit it

Ghosting is acceptable in any circumstance

Time takes time

If you like someone, ignore them

If you like me too much, I will not like you, but if you act like you don’t like me, then I will love you.

I mean, I could go on forever...really.

There are so many unspoken rules in this world.  Things we are just supposed to “know”.  And this would explain a lot of the confusion in the dating world.  And I didn’t even scratch the surface in my above examples.

Why do we have unspoken rules to begin with?

I think it has something to do with this idea that it is impolite to ask for what you want.  I know I grew up with this notion.  That what I wanted could be perceived as selfish or wrong or bad so I was always supposed to stay just a little distant from what I actually wanted, never, ever asking for it, but expecting that somehow this other person will be able to divine what I want and need without me ever speaking a word of direction, encouragement or support.  Fucked up breeds fucked up.

I am grasping for examples while I cannot really explain the phenomena.  No wonder we are all so fucked up in this life.  We have to abide by the spoken rules, the written rules and then somehow magically figure out all the shit we are to be in compliance with that remains unsaid, unspoken but very much being enforced as we move through this life.

I prefer direct.  I prefer to not have to ferret out the situation.  I don’t have the time to sit around all day and wonder about whether or not you are into me, just DTF or whatever you are doing.  I am one of those people, as brutal as it would be, that would really prefer direct, spoken words of affirmation or condemnation.  I would love for all the unspoken shit to be spoken, preferably in a written format so I can process it in private.

See that is the thing about the unspoken rules, the only way you are likely going to know you are in adherence or in violation is when you step outside them, fail to abide by them or grossly mistake one for another.  And that usually is going to happen when you are in the presence of others.  Which means, your dereliction is going to almost always be public.  And I don’t know about you, but I am not a fan of public embarrassment.  Like at all. And yet, here I am, again, still.

Apparently, writing about it is ok because, well, here we are.  Me putting out all this personal shit is fine, so long as I don’t have to see you while you read it.  I love the safety writing and publishing brings.  I have my experience, you have yours.  We might talk about it, but rarely in real time which allows for processing time for both. I like that.

I get that I am conflating unspoken and unwritten which are not the same things exactly.  But they seem to have the same impact. One you can violate without any knowledge at all, and the other you can violate because you didn’t read it or just didn’t care. I prefer to have agency in my rebellions, not just happenstance.  Violating the unspoken rules feels just as rebellious as violating the spoken ones, the boundaries and consequences are just more certain.

In the dating world, so much of what is going on in not said.  What we are looking for, what we are capable of, what we want, what we don’t, who we are, who we are not.  I am not sure anymore how much is unspoken and how much is just plain lied about.  It is hard to tell if you are dating in 2025.  So much is not as it appears to be and that makes dating wild, weird and painful, not in a good way.

Can’t we all just speak the rules we are living by?  Apparently, not.  And likely I just violated a whole bunch of unspoken rules by asking a stupid question like that...

I am trying to learn, to assimilate, to comply, to fall in line, but it is very hard when there is so much left unsaid, unspoken and left to be deciphered, poorly...

Again, still.