Taking a Break...

I have been writing and posting here daily, for years.  Honestly, it is more about the discipline than it is the content.  Some mornings I have to scroll Instagram for an hour just to find something that compels me to write about it.  Some mornings I wake up and the post is already writing itself and I am not even awake yet...

I haven’t taken a whole group of days off because I am afraid that if I stop, for any length of time, I will stop doing it all together, and Naked Random Thoughts will cease to be a part of my every day life...and I don’t want that.  NRT is now a part of who I am, how I live, well, every single day.  

But, also, at the same time, I am tired.  I feel like I tend to repeat myself here.  I think I make progress, even if I might be the only one who notices...but I think, perhaps, a break might do me some good.  But I am honestly scared to stop!  So afraid that I will not ever return.  I And, also, what the fuck would I even do every morning if I wasn’t writing?  I mean I could dedicate the time to writing something else, but the book is in editing currently and there is nothing for me to do now, other than wait...

So I am going to very boldly say, “I AM GOING TO TAKE A BREAK, I THINK, MAYBE, BUT PROBABLY NOT...”

NRT has become this other part of me.  One that I do not want to live without.  I am trying to remind myself that the all or nothing persona that resides inside me has other speeds now.  I don’t only have idle and full throttle anymore, there is a range where once there was none.  But I would be a liar if I didn’t own that the range is quite limited and still tends to peg at nothing and everything, again, still.

I leave on vacation today and I really want to use this time to be present with my mom.  To show her all the amazing places I have visited before and to explore new vistas together.  I want to spend some of my down time, regrouping.  It has been a hard last six months.  Everything in my life is different.  My nest was full then it was empty and now it half full again.  My dad is still gone and I am still trying to feel whatever the fuck I feel about the loss of him.  I have a hard time getting to those difficult emotions, my natural tendency so much happier in surface dwelling.  But I know that pain not expressed just finds some other avenue out, usually, for me, unhealthy and self destructive.  And I really do not want anymore of THAT in my life.

My neck is still fucked up and I am still on disability.  Something that I did NOT see coming and have had a hard time with, physically, but also emotionally.  I am a WORKER.  I get shit done.  I produce.  And I have had a hard time sitting with who I am when NOT doing all that production. It has been a challenge.

I have also been really struggling with my work concept.  I have done divorce for 31 years.  And I am tired of it to be honest.  It feels so futile sometimes, it is just the same shit over and over again.  I see the same marriages implode year after year and I feel like I have become part of the problem.  If I see where marriages go wrong...why can’t I prevent it?  Why can’t I stem the divorce tide?  I guess I just feel like I need a new way to think about divorce, or I just need to stop doing it.  For now, I am stopped because I cannot sit at a desk and the stress of lawyering is off limits if I want to not be at a pain level of 8 all the time.  Desk work and stress are two things that put me in traction, literally.

So what do I do with the grief of my children moving on, and not?  What do I do with the grief of losing my dad?  Who the fuck am I now that my physical life is limited and my work life curtailed, at least for now?  What is something new I can say about divorce instead of just contributing more fodder to the relational war?

I don’t fucking know!!!!!!!

But I am going to spend the next week thinking about all of these things.  Mostly, who do I want to be going forward?  What do I want to do?  What can I honestly and legitimately do?  Where can I be of service to others? How best to spend my time?  Where can I be most useful to others and myself?  What goodness can I contribute to this world?  And how the fuck do I get out of my own way????

Ok, well that last one has been, and likely will continue to be a lifelong task, but how can I make forward progress of getting out of my own fucking way?

What do I want to do with whatever life I have left?  What brings me joy?  What brings me peace and serenity?  Who do I want to spend my time with?  What do I want to be doing with my time?  Who does God want me to be?  And how much am I really willing to align what I want with the path that God lays before me?

So I am going to “try” to take this next week off and work on all of the above.  I am not making any promises even though I created a social media canvas tile to say that I am on vacation.  NO that was not a self centered ploy for you to envy me going off on another vacation, but instead, something that I did with the hopes that if I put it out there, I might actually use the down time I am being provided.  I mean, if you build it, they will come right?  Or if I say I am going to do it, perhaps I might really do it???

We will see.  I am giving myself 70/30 odds at this point.  30% that I will actually not post for an entire week.  And just as I write that it felt like the odds went down to like 20%.  I am nothing if not compulsive.

I guess the other thing is that this blog is a daily dialog with myself that I share with all of you so that you may gain access to your own interiority.  And it feels wrong to not engage in my own self discovery practice, and again, wronger (yes I know that isn’t a word) to not share it.

Ok, now we are at like 10% odds but I am going to try to step back from all the social media and posting and being ON and take the time I am being gifted to be present, so that I might show up in this life a little calmer, peaceful and a little more me...

Again, still?