Life Has No Opposite...

Think about that for a minute...there is no opposite to life and living.  There is birth with its opposite death, but life?  It is just out there doing its thing, completely on its own...

So from the time we are born until we die, we are caught in this whole living endeavor...

And life isn’t always what we dreamed it would be...but any of us can take the shit that we are handed and make a decent go at this whole living thing.  We all have that opportunity, and some of us make great use of our lives, and some of us just throw our lives away.

I have had the distinct experience of doing both.  Dying while still living and actually really living.  It is something amazing, to have that experience of juxtaposition of actively avoiding life and living while still being alive.  And now, for a long time, really working at living my life, every single day, to the absolute best of my ability.  It is kind of an interesting experience.

I think it is natural to have moments while living that you just don’t want to do it anymore.  I think if you wake up all of your life and are totally excited to be here, all the time, there is something wrong with you.  We have these paradoxes of life which, I think, are designed to give us a range of experience:  we get the bad so we can appreciate the good, we get the sad so we can appreciate happy, we get the depression so we can better appreciate the elation, etc.  Without life’s messy downside, I know I would not be able to live as fully as I have.  It is through my hardships that I have found the peace that is in my life today.  And I know, without any doubt, I would never have made it to this place in my life where I live pretty much every day with relative ease and peace, without all the shit I have had to walk through...

It is an interesting concept to take in that life has no opposite.  I mean pretty much everything else in life does...but life doesn’t really give us a choice.  And yet again, it does.  I mean we can always choose to end our life.  And I think that is why suicide is so hard for us.  Because we are gifted this life and even when we abuse it and take it for granted, I believe that pretty much all of us, at least on some level, know that we are only getting the one life, and that there is no mechanism to add lives.  So what we do with this one precious, beautiful, hard life is super important.  And ending the life prematurely seems like a waste.  A permanent solution to a temporary problem...

I get that the pain of living is sometimes too much for people.  The shitstorm that life can bring is just too much, or there is too much pain all at once, or you do something that you cannot forgive yourself or someone else for...and living the way you are living, or with the shame you have, is just not survivable.  I get that.

So I guess I will revise my topic to say that life’s opposite is suicide.  I mean that is the only way you can be sure to end your whole living process...but absent that, we are here until life cedes its control and agency to death.  And unless we engage suicide, we are  here for whatever duration that may be.

Some of us get a rich full life, some of us get only a little while.  Some of us get lives filled with abuse, pain and loss.  Some of us get lives that are replete with fame and fortune.  Most of us get a mixed bag and then life seems to sit back and watch what we do with the hand dealt us.

For me, now, at 56, I feel time marching on, and at the very same time, I am so much more happy being idle.  I feel no real need to push and jockey for position anymore.  Life is in each moment and I really do try my best to be present and in service.  Today my life and living process is super simple.  It isn’t grand and I don’t really have any grand expectations for my life anymore.  Instead, I pretty much wake every day and just feel blessed to be here, in relative good health, with all the love and joy I have in my life.  I mean, I mostly wake up in awe and shock that my life is this good and I get to live it.

Sure, there are days I wake up consumed with lack, but not very often anymore.  I count my blessings every single day and I am so happy to live where I live, to have the friends I have, for my mom and children, for all my pets.  This might not be everyone else’s version of living their best life, but for me, it is fucking spectacular.  My days are happy, joyous and free most of the time.  I get to live sober, alive and in service to others about me...and so my life feels fulfilling, blessed and stable.

Since I am not engaging life’s tender opposite, or actively working on that in some fucked up way, life is pretty damn amazing.  I get to be here, sober, in service and loving most of my minutes.  There will always be great joy and breathtaking sadness.  And so far it feels like life’s main purpose has been to teach me that I am a container for both.  I am not only good for the fun stuff.  And I am not worn away and down because of the bad.  Each thing, uniquely carves me into some better, a more whole version of myself, if I let it...

Again, still...