No Access...

The only way to get the narcissist out of your life is to give them no access to you.  This is especially hard when you share young children with them...however, luckily for me, I do not and so I can just release and let go and watch them disappear. To be certain, they will reappear later.  They have a tendency to do that.  They are forever returning to source.  They have their people to provide the quick fix of dopamine and oxytocin.  And they will not treat the supply or source like they are valued, but they won’t ever completely abandon it either.  There will always be a door cracked, at least to them, and our one job is to ensure that no matter how much light they see around the door, we do not ever open it again.

One of the things that is especially hard is that we think we should treat narcissist like other people.  That they deserve explanations and conversation and fair play.  But this is just a very sticky web in which you entangle yourself until you are on the ropes and bleeding profusely.  Title bouts with narcissists will always, ALWAYS, leave you depleted, gasping and bloody.  They will be just fine, even thought they will tell you they are devastated and it is all your fault!  It isn’t, and you can’t let them have access to you...if you do, you do so at your own peril.

Recently, I was recontacted by a narcissist I left over 1.5 years ago.  And he reached out like we had spoke a few days ago.  They are so good at bridging the time and distance.  Making you feel like everything they are speaking is gospel.  It is unnerving and difficult to navigate.  I believe listening carefully is vital.  So very vital.  In his voicemail, there was a blanket, bullshit “apology” where he glossed over his relative culpability, completely failing to mention the fact that he lied (repeatedly), he cheated (repeatedly), he gaslit (repeatedly), he robbed me of my sense of peace and security (repeatedly), exposed me to potential sexually transmitted diseases with his inability to keep it in his pants (I was lucky and came out unscathed but others are not so lucky), stole my time, attention and money, and just generally behaved like someone who was not a good person.  But there he was giving bullshit language to me in a voicemail...thinking, testing to see if I would bite.

I did not.  I will not.  The best thing about him is that he no longer has access to me, my life, my friends or kids.  He is a very awful blip on the radar of my dating life. One who I will never allow access to me or my life again.  Once you see through the narcissist’s bullshit double speak, you can’t see it any other way again.

The biggest mistake I made, and that I see other people make, is that you think the narcissist deserves the same treatment, explanation or grace that other people do, but this is the way you get caught in their web of lies and bullshit.  The best thing you can do for yourself if you find yourself in relationship with a narcissist, be it a friend or lover, or husband or wife, is to grant them no access whatsoever.  Hopefully, you are lucky enough to just be able to walk away, no explanation required, just protect your peace and move the fuck on.  Then protect your peace and boundary as if your life depends upon it because It does. Trust me, the narcissist will be back, they will forever consider you a source for them and you will never be safe.  The only thing you can do is, THE ONLY THING YOU CAN DO is to grant them NO ACCESS, FOREVER.

I cannot stress this enough.  The tether shall always remain because you were never meaningful to them except in what you provided them:  money, a place to live, attention, affection, care, concern, sex, love, whatever.  And so long as you still breathe air, you are forever a source to them.  And they will tap that source every fucking time if you let them.  EVERY. FUCKING. TIME!

I learned this the hard way.  Almost two years of my life wasted on a man who wasn’t worth five minutes of my time and attention.  I used to feel so badly about myself because of this.  I felt so duped and stupid.  But I know now, the narcissist is adept at dangling in front of you everything you have ever wanted, coupled with an absolute inability to ever provide you any of it. And it takes a while for you to see that.  A while for you to understand that you are being lied to, manipulated and gaslit.  That there is no safety there, only the illusion of safety that will fuck you over every single time.

I am in that place again, where I do not know if the person I am about to cut off with no access is a narcissist...I just know their behavior mirrors my past experience a little too closely, so it is time for them to go. I may be wrong, but I don’t think I am.  The narcissist lesson is one you learn wholeheartedly or you are doomed to repeat it over and over again. My experience is a little of both...I did repeat it until I hit a bottom sufficient to bring about recovery.  It is a bit disheartening when you seem to attract these fuckers, and sometimes it feels like they are the only ones you attract...but that isn’t true, you just tend to believe the “love” they give so freely is actually love instead of the not so subtle manipulation it really is.  

I am not good at being cold hearted or callous.  But I have had to develop those skills for my own survival.  I have had to do that. And it always feels mean and betrayal of how I am in this world but I have learned that if I am not willing to do that, I am only fucking myself.  In the narcissist’s world, you are either helping them and killing you, or no accessing them and saving you, there is no other way. So long as you leave a means of communication or an inroad to you, they will exploit that every single time.

This was not a lesson I wanted to learn.  And it is wisdom born of pain.  And it has resulted in me perhaps seeing narcissism where it actually isn’t.  But I will not take those chances anymore.  I give you a little access to see what you do with it, then I evaluate.  And if you come up lacking, well then you just have to go.  I would rather error on the side of self preservation and caution than to ever repeat what I have lived through before.  I would rather make the mistake and cut someone off who is behaving a bit narcissistically, than to allow them to remain in my life and prove me right.  I would rather be wrong and peaceful than right and miserable.

No access is self care at the highest level.  It can be done with an explanation and then a blocking, or you can just block them.  It is ok.  It isn’t mean or wrong, it is the best self care I have ever deployed.

The narcissist will always find a way back to you.  Even if you block them they can still leave you voicemail messages...to try to lure you back into their emotional dungeon.  Do Not Be Fooled!  You have only ever been important to them for what you give them, the second you want reciprocity, they will turn the tables on you and mindfuck you every single time.  This is why no access is the way to go.  Make a decision that you are worth more and that you are responsible for your own well being. Then block them, and do your best to move forward without them anywhere in your life.

Best decision I ever made.  And I have had to make it again and again.  “I never trust a narcissist, but they love me,” to quote T. Swift.  I am not sure why they do, but oh man, do they! And I will likely spend the rest of my life sorting through why I want to trust them, every single time.  What wound exists in me that makes me want to believe them, trust them or engage with them?  It is a lot to sort through...again, still...it is my work, and unfortunately for me, I do not have to any more research, I have a life time supply due to my previous inabilty to call a narcissist what they are...

A final thought on this subject, if you find yourself wondering, "are they a narcissist?" Best to just answer yes and move on. If you are asking the question, my experience tells me you are already way too far down the path...peril is certain, so take swift, self protective action. Block, Evade, No Access them...you can thank me later!