Obsession...

It has been awhile since I have written about it...not a long time since I have experienced it...

I think some of us are more prone to it than others.  I can just be living my life and some idea, thing, whatthefuckever, can land in my path and I become single-minded in my focus on obtaining that thing...I will scour the internet for hours.

Recently, I found a pair of shoes I liked, quite by accident, I spent the next 2.5 days searching the entire internet for them...no luck.  In the end, I just had to let it go. Did I NEED the shoes, you ask?  Ummmm, no, no I did not.  This is where the universe totally had my back, I searched the entire internet, leaving no site, regardless of how ridiculous, unsearched, only to be told those shoes, in my size, no longer exist...so I had to let it go.

I don’t know why I am like this. I really don’t. I just am.  Always have been.  As a kid I would get some idea or thing in my head and I was a total pain in the ass until it was either not attainable after blooding myself or I got it.  There was no other option save those two.  Completely spent and unsatisfied or sated and smug.

It has been my cross to bear and all of those around me if I am on one.  I cannot think or do anything else until I have done an exhaustive search and come up empty handed.  Even then, the thing or idea lives on in my mind...

Strange that I don’t really do it about people.  People I tend not to be obsessed with.  It is more like animals or shoes or an idea or concept.  But not really people.  I guess I need the inantimateness of the object to really satisfy the craving...if it is a person, then they can talk back and ruin it all.  Again, universe totally having my back on the lack of obsession about people...

I am sure this obsession stuff has to do with some moral failing on my part, some crazy notion that if I just had X then I would be better, wholer, more whatever.  I know it isn’t true.  I am fine just as I am, and as my mom says, “and I could use a little work...”  I am always going to be a work in progress.  Always.  No matter how evolved and unobsessed I am or may become, there is always going to be work to do and I know this whole tendency to obsess over things or items or ideas is going to always be here.  It is just how I am built and also because I have tended to reinforce this pattern over time, it has become quite ingrained.

I think today, if I can claim any progress at all, it is that I give up easier.  I mean my exhaustive search will only take up hours instead of days.  And I can do all my obsessing privately because I don’t have to comb all the stores in person, I can just sit in bed, drink coffee and call it good.  I do this way more than I would like to admit...

But I see the folly of it all.  Doesn’t stop me from scratching the itch, but often I am able to see my dysfunction and stop it before it ramps up into overdrive...sometimes, maybe, ok, rarely.

I am just that person, once I begin on a trajectory, no matter how stupid or ridiculous, I kinda have to see it through to the end.  My two speeds, idle and full throttle, just part of who I am...and my challenge to get through this life.  I do better these days with just allowing myself to stay in idle more and more.  I find as I age, it is harder and harder to cough up the energy true obsessing takes...

That being said, I can still get on one for sure.

I am sure this whole obsession thing is indicative of my lesser, baser natures but it is mine to work with or not as the case may be.  And most days, I am able to back away and laugh at myself and see how ridiculous I am...I mean, a pair of tortoise high heels that I have nowhere to wear is not going to make a difference in my life, most especially if I continue to not do what I need to be doing while I scour the internet in search of the perfect ones that I do not need and have nowhere to wear them...

Most of the time, what I have learned, is that when obsession hits hard, I need to look at what is underneath it...and it is almost always me distracting myself with an obsession so that I do not have to do something else that is on my plate to handle...like that book that is going into editing next week...

Sometimes I really wonder about myself...am I really this nuts?  Or is this just everyone?  I mean I know I am not alone in the whole obsession thing, right?  Seriously, help a girl out, let me know what you obsess about...please!

Again, still...

Update - I found them, In my size, and I did NOT order them...yet. The struggle Is real...