I always think that over there is better but that is because over there does not contain me. When I get over there, I bring myself and that pretty much ruins everything. This has been a life long issue...me wanting to be somewhere else, someone else...anything but me.
Why? Why do I feel this way about my life? About myself?
When did I begin to feel this way? When will it end? Will it?
All very valid questions...and today I actually have a few answers.
Why do I feel this way about my life and myself?
Fuck if I know! I just always have. I have always wanted to be someone else. Have a different life. Be dating or married to that guy over there instead of the one standing next to me...I wanted to be blonde when I was brunette, brunette when blonde. Subtle aggression towards who I really am all the time. Sometimes not so subtle aggression - out right hostility towards who and what I am. 49 years and going strong...or am I?
I can’t remember a time when I was not trying to be something that I wasn’t, someone that I wasn’t. As far back as I can remember, I was seeking outside things to fix me, change the way that I felt about things or distract me from whatever lesson I was supposed to be learning...
Recently, though, I have realized that I am different. I check in with myself and realize things...something like this...
Me: Hey, wouldn’t it be a good idea to get a new car? You would be cooler, hotter and better if you had a newer car.
Other me: Ummmm, we have done this a lot...like a lot. It never lasts. We feel better for a minute but in the long run it just leaves us feeling more empty than we did before and the financial hole is now larger than ever. Do you really think a new car is going to help?
Me: I hate it when you make good points. Fuck. I just wanted to get that new car and you have ruined all of my compulsive, reactive behavior with sound reasoning and judgment. You are no fun anymore.
Other me: Sorry to be such a buzz kill. I am not sure your version of fun has ever really been all that fun. It has really been more of you running to get somewhere only to arrive and decide that this place is just as boring (awful, painful...) as it was before you got here.
Me: I really hate you sometimes.
I am not sure where I got the message that I could actually be someone else. I set about being something I wasn’t as if that was an attainable goal. I seriously did not think that if I tried hard and long enough to be someone else, that I would not succeed. It was all just will power. Looking back now, it seems like a lot of wasted effort. A lot of time and energy spent working really hard at something that was not a very good idea to begin with...
These days, I have been given the gift of the now. I am in my life on a daily basis living the present moment in all its glory. Trusting that I am right where I am supposed to be and that I am who I am supposed to be. I am not supposed to be smarter, hotter, thinner or different. My whole life up to this point has brought me to a place where I can accept myself as I am. This does not mean that I do not wish for other things: a flatter stomach, less saggy breasts, a larger bank account. I do wish those things on the regular. What has changed is that I am no longer openly hostile to myself because I lack those things in this moment. I am not worthless because of my flabby abs, less than perky breasts, revolving debt or shallow funds. Those things are temporary and do not define who I am. Those are just things that I have a hard time accepting. They are not who I am. They do not even come close to showing who I really am.
So living in the now isn’t the lack of wishing for things to be different...that happens in the now. For me, living in the now means that I take this moment as it comes. If the moment is full of regret, so be it. If the moment is full of me wishing for my outsides to be different, so be it. If the moment comes with heartache or heartache’s other half, bliss, so be it. Whatever is happening, what I am thinking, feeling, emoting...so be it. I do not have to change it, wish it to be different or feel less deserving to be on this earth because of it. Right here, right now...it is seriously all good. I am all good.
I feel like I have been waiting for Godot all my life. If you have never seen the play, I highly encourage you to find a copy and read it. Fascinating. So you can relate now, Waiting for a Godot is a play where this man sits waiting for his life to happen because he is waiting for Godot. Nothing in his life can happen until and unless Godot comes...of course Godot never arrives and the man spends his entire life waiting for something and misses his life entirely*. Isn’t this what we all do? Wait for the right job, relationship, children, home, career, bank account balance to feel like our lives are really starting. We are all waiting for Godot...problem is that he is never coming.
I don’t know about you but I do not want to miss my life waiting for some future day. I want to live it now, feel it now. Be here now. I probably wouldn’t even like Godot...he’s probably an asshole and would piss me off in a New York minute. So, for me, right here, right now I am done trying to get over there. I am done waiting for Godot. I am going to breathe deeply and dive into my life. I pledge to do this over and over and over again until all my moments run out. I pray that my last conscious thought is this:
“I lived asleep for a long time but then I woke up and wasn’t afraid, I stopped waiting for that unreliable asshole Godot and I got busy living my best, most authentic life. I tried to help others wake up too. I was kind about it and I loved the best I could. I didn’t love every minute of this life, but I was there for all the minutes. Even this last one, I am here and I am present. Now, I am done.”
* This is my interpretation of Samuel Beckett's play...like all great art, its truest meaning is in the interpretation of those who read it.