Where Fear Comes From...

“Fear comes from panic, the bewilderment of uncertainty. Uncertainty is related to distrust in yourself, feeling that you are inadequate to deal with that mysterious problem that is threatening you. There is no fear if you really have a compassionate relationship with yourself, because then you know what you are doing.”  Chögyam Trungpa ~ THE OPEN WAY

This was the passage read at meditation practice yesterday.  And it hit me square between the eyes.  It is one of those things that I didn’t know I knew, until it was read.  And then it materialized as exactly what I had been thinking all along.  Sometimes life is like that, you have these vague notions that have no shape or form, until someone else says something and then you know something on a deep and meaningful level.  It is something you felt before, but now, given the vocabulary, you realize it is something you know.

What I realized yesterday was that I am not panicked.  Of all the reactions I could have to life and all its currently lifeyness right now, I am not panicked.  And the reason I am not panicked is absolutely because I trust myself to deal with all this current uncertainty.  I have been here before, and I will be here again.  Foundering in uncharted waters.  But I do trust myself.  I do see why I am here and what this time is doing for me.  Life is one mysterious problem after another.  That is just life.  But there is no need to panic because I have a compassionate relationship with myself and I do know what I am doing...for the most part.

I do NOT know what will happen, how it will all work out, what other people will do, what I will do, the final results.  I know none of that.  Like at all.  But I do know that I am ok in this moment. I am cared for.  I have the ability to walk through hard things.  I have the ability to heal and move on.  I have the ability to trust and accept hard and harsh realities that I would rather not face.  I know what I am doing.  And probably more importantly, I know what I am NOT doing.

And I am not panicking.  I am ok.  This will all work out.  This will be ok even as it is painful and hard.  I am not what is happening to me.  And the best thing I can do right now is just move forward, loving myself and those about me.  Staying sober, doing my best to serve others.  The job thing will sort itself out.  The tree situation will get handled.  My grief over the loss of my dad is just part of my life now.  It will be there until I am no longer here and I accept that.  It is ok.  There is no other reality I can live in now.  I will mourn the loss of him each day, for the rest of my days.  Some days it will be heavy with loss and pain.  And then there will be other days where it is light and fun and full of fond remembrance.  This is just the way it is now.  No reason to rail against it, it just is and that is ok.

I have lots of reasons to be afraid right now.  But I’m not.  It will all get sorted.  I will be ok.  I don’t know how or when or what will happen, but I will be ok because I am ok right now.  And this moment is the only one that counts really.  If I can have a good time in this moment, trusting that all is well, then I set the stage for the next good moment to come and then the next and the next after that.  

Life is going to throw curve balls.  That is just what life does.  And I have no need to panic because I know I may strike out this at bat, but I will get another chance, and the results will be better if I do the footwork to improve my swing.  And I am doing that work, currently.  So it is all good.

My dad always used to say, “Relax.  Don’t struggle.  Take it easy.”  And I am doing that Dad.  I am here doing my best to take things as they come, to accept things as they are and enjoy the happenings to the very best of my ability.  The fear is not a threatening tide so much as it is an incoming wave that shall forever be followed by another one and another one and another one.  There is no place to isolate myself to, there is no way to stop the waves from coming.  Only to make sure that my body, mind and spirit remain in fit condition to survive the onslaught when the tempest rages on.

Again, still...