Parallel Dating...

I know, that isn’t a thing, but wait, I think it really is…

We have all heard about children doing parallel play. They are playing but really they are playing near each other more than they are playing with each other…

Parallel play is a form of engagement where children participate in separate activities alongside one another without directly interacting. While common in toddlers (ages 18 months to 3 years) as a developmental stepping stone, it is also a recognized, as a soothing way for adults to bond without the pressure of constant conversation.

So I am introducing parallel dating…

Stay with me here…I really have a point.

So I have done a lot of dating in the pat 40 years (a big carve out for the time I was married, I didn’t date while married, even though I was accused of cheating often, I never, ever did). But I have only had three committed longer term relationships in the past 20 years: my marriage, Lane and the one who should not be named. And in all of those relationships there was a great deal of interaction. But taking away these relationships and their relative merits and detritus, let’s focus on the dating.

The dating I have done that has been most prevalent was either just a sexual connection or parallel dating, where we are together but we are not really interacting all that much with each other. Like we are together but we are completely having our own experience. Like we are engaged in an activity but I, at least, am consumed by my own experience. I am engaged less with the person on the date with me, than I am with the experience we are sharing. And I will say, it is a soothing way to bond without the pressure of constant conversation and engagement.

I think there is a lot to be said of being able to be quiet while being with someone else. And while dating is about getting to know the other person, the pressure of constant conversation makes me not want to go in the first place. Yes, I want to get to know them, but I do not want to be firehosed with information that I am going to not completely believe isn’t bullshit until some time has passed anyway.

So I guess I am saying, for me, parallel dating is kind of an important first step…and it should lead to parallel relationshiping where you can be with each other doing other things, engaged in other activities near the other person without the pressure of being directly involved with the other person…and yes, I do know that this likely makes me a little standoffish and fucked up.

I think a lot of dating and relationships end up in a kind of permanent parallel almost by default. The pressure of intimacy and connection becomes so great that parallel relating becomes the norm instead of one aspect of the relationship or date. Then you are headed for trouble…because sooner or later you are going to just drift apart. I am advocating for parallel dating as a way to slow down the pace of getting into a relationship so that the emotional connection can pace the sexual one. I know for myself the repeated, largest mistake I have made in this arena is to let the sexual attraction lead the charge. And once that is leading the way, we are doomed before we ever get started.

Leading with sex before there is a stable basis for relating, loving, committing and enjoying each other is going to set everyone’s issues and wounds on edge and you are going to either end up in a situation you should have never started, or end up with someone who you are fucking that you haven’t a clue whether or not you really know them, or hell even like them! Then later, when they reveal themselves to be who they really have been all along, you are going to be super disappointed.

Parallel dating is a way to slow your roll. Can you just be with someone doing related activities but not constantly engaged? Can you be near each other while also giving the other person a break on the constant relating and communicating?

I think parallel dating is a little treacherous though because it is easy to slip into the habit of thinking that parallel dating is a real connection that supersedes the need for further intimacy. No, I think it should be an early stage of dating, that is temporary while the stakes are high and the knowledge is low. But it shouldn’t be deployed too often or for too long because then you just end up two individuals who are near each other but are not capable of really being with each other, there isn’t a sharing of things, ideas, and vulnerabilities.

So parallel date for a bit but that should morph into something more intimate and engaged which would lead to a relationship. And then parallel relationshiping has to be a part of your relationship where you can be together doing different things but have that be a way for you to do your own thing while being near the other person. Think one person gardening, the other washing the car. The connection comes when you come into the house to share lunch together, or you come up behind them while they are doing either activity and grab their butt, or embrace them for a kiss.

I am not advocating for parallel loving. Just early dating and relationshiping. I think it is a vital part of the whole endeavor. Being able to be alone, together. It is this relationship “down” time that enables you to have something to discuss later when the more intimate times come along…

“Honey, today while I was washing the car and you were gardening, I thought about how much I enjoy the time we spend together, even when we are not actively engaged with each other…it makes me feel safe just knowing you are there, and we will connect up soon.”

Kids do it to learn how to relate to other children. And I am just offering up the idea that perhaps we really don’t grow out of the need for parallel play at 3 years old. I mean, I will go out on a limb and say I fucking need it at 56. I cannot be ON all the time. I cannot be engaged all the time. I need to be near you, but not actively engaged with you for a bit in the beginning to take the pressure off and then later so that I don’t want to run. Parallel dating and relationshiping might just be a compromise for all of the anxious/avoidant combinations out there trying to survive and connect…and since that is all that seems to be left in the older dating pool…it might be the only hope we have got!

Again, still…