Patience - Revisited...

I am not a patient person.  Never have been.  I have always wanted what I wanted when I wanted it.  I have matured, a bit, well, I have, I think.  I am better at waiting for things than I used to be.  But I am still an asshole in traffic, or really just driving.  I am not cool waiting in lines or dealing with automated systems.  I know my triggers.

If I am spiritually fit, I can do any of the above frustrations without issue.  But if I want to know if I am REALLY spiritually fit, then I just have to get into any of the above situations, and I am quickly schooled in how NOT spiritually fit I am.

I am not sure where this impatience even comes from.  I have never wanted for much.  Perhaps that is the reason, that life has been too easy for me, so I have failed to appreciate the long term gain by waiting and working and saving.  Perhaps it is because I am an addict and all addicts I have ever known need pretty much anything RIGHT FUCKING NOW!

I guess it matters less where it all comes from and more about what I do about it today.  What and how do I deal with my impatience?  First, I have to slow down.  I have to stop my natural inclination to hurry up and through things.  I am a list checker and sometimes I care more about ticking off the items than I do the task is done well or completely. I just want that instant gratification that a check mark provides.  It is amazing the amount of shit I have done to get a check mark boost.

So slowing down is huge for me. I get speedy easily.  Too easily.  And I find needing to slow down to be a huge effort in and of itself.  But when I am all hyped up on caffeine and the idea that I need to hurry, you are absolutely going to get the worst version of me every single time.  

I think I fail to appreciate the moment and have always had this delusional belief that the next moment, the one right after this one, will be better.  Maybe, maybe not.  The truth is that I miss my life when I demand things to hurry up and happen.  How many lessons and blessings have I missed because I was hurrying or busy?  A lot.  That would be a lot of fucking lessons.

I have been taking some time off dating, regrouping if you will.  Attempting to align myself and my beliefs to really look at who I am and what I want.  And I always tend to believe that any time I take off from dating, I will be richly rewarded with the magical, mystical HIM.  And so far, that has just been a ridiculous endeavor that makes me vulnerable to some asshole that isn’t right for me at all.  He is just available and I am bored and a little desperate.  Not a good combo, just so you know.

I am trying to be patient but it feels like the longer I wait, the longer I wait.  And maybe I just need to find some willingness to be ok in the waiting.  Perhaps the supreme value in all of this isn’t what I am lacking but all that I am gaining from not making a rash and impulsive decision to get back on the apps.  Patience, instead, just maybe might be its own reward.

I do long for a partner.  A best friend who I think is hot in Taylor vernacular.  But I can’t make one appear and I can’t sort through it all because when I take the wheel, bad things happen.  So I am waiting, yes, yes, there are moments when I am drumming my fingers on the table, impatiently.  But I am there waiting. Not acting, or reacting.  Or jumping in head long.  One the not often talked about rewards of being patient is the peace that comes within you.  It is possible to have an inner peace AND still want something or someone at the very same time.  Yes, that is incongruent but I am finding the most valuable things in this life are.  It is between the paradoxes is this life that the really richly rewarding stuff comes.  The space between...reminding me once more that I am most content and happy somewhere in the middle between high and low, bored and entertained, happy and sad.  Perhaps, maybe, some of the best things in life are found in the space between what is and what will be...

Again, still...