Pregret...

That feeling you have before you do something you know you should absolutely not do but know you are going to do anyway...

I wonder why the universe didn’t make this a stronger feeling. Something that is not so easy to overlook?  Or bypass?  Seems like a lot of the world’s trouble would be resolved if pregret were more of a thing.  A more sobering and “pay fucking attention to this feeling” kind of thing.

I have to say that pretty much every stupid ass thing I have ever done, I have known was a dumbass thing to do before I did it.  I can think of no exceptions to this.  None.  In 55 years.  Zero.

Why then, with that track record, do I not pay more attention to the feeling of pregret when it comes on?

I guess the answer lies in my desire to do the thing I know I should not do is always stronger than my sense of pregret.  Again, pregret should really up its ante.

But on a more thoughtful level, I really believe that I want the pain that I know is going to come with my horrible decision to act in the manner I know I should not.  I am not sure why I want the pain, I just know that I choose it far more often than is good for me.

And I think surviving all my stupid ass choices is kind of its own reinforcer...I have made it through all my bad decisions, relatively unscathed (ask my therapist).  So because I have survived 100% of my bad decisions to date, I guess that feels like a little coin I have to spend on the next bad decision, I mean, how bad could it be?

But I have been reckless in my care of Erin.  I have not heeded what was good for her on all the levels:  socially, financially, emotionally, psychologically, physically, spiritually.  I have gambled a lot of the tides of good luck and a faith I have had only marginal adherence to.  Perhaps someone who loved themselves a little more and better would have paused a little more often and waited for that next bad decision tide to wane.

Yet, here I am.

I guess in the last year I have done a bit better on the whole pregret feeling.  I have seen the bad decision (mostly men) and sidestepped the coming tide of shit and just decided to sit that one out.  Whereas before, I would have said, “well, at least it won’t be boring!”

My old sponsor used to say, “It always looks good going in...”  But that has not been true for me, alarmingly not so.  Most of my dating decisions looked pretty awful from the word go.  I mean, I was delusional about the possible outcomes.  And I was overly hopeful as well.  I can see now, where pregret is all I seem to have, that I was repeating a pattern that was trying to teach me something I needed to learn.  But my continues willingness to walk into the blades, just stubborn stupidity.

Anyway, pregret is something that has saved me a great deal over the last year.  I have somehow been able to change up my headstrong ways and realize that if it looks bad going in, it isn’t likely to improve and instead of going forward anyway, I have been able to pause long enough for me to make a different decision.

I can see now how reckless I have been with my own wellbeing.  And it gives me pause, my judgment skewed and faulty, so much so that I now doubt myself and all my inner talk to a degree that keeps me from jumping into the fray far more often than before.  I still get those wild “throw caution to the wind” moments, but then I remember my last relationship trash fire and I check myself.

Life is better when you allow pregret to be the harbinger of other servings, I am really sick of eating humble pie over something I knew was going to taste badly from the word go!

Again, still...