Resolving to Remain Unresolved...
Welcome to the last day of 2022! What a year! I can’t help but reflect, the moving from an even year to an odd year always brings me pause. I hate odd numbers. Of anything. Ever. So as we move from the evenness of 2022 (HA!) to the bizarre things 2023 is going to bring, I find myself thinking, pondering really all that just happened this year past. And what foundation does that provide me for the future...
2022 in a nutshell:
January - COVID - like praying to die and live at the same time.
February - A lot of reflection and thought about how my life was and whether or not I was happy with the results of my life inventory. Visited my son in Montana. Began a work out routine.
March - Rang in 27 years of living the miracle one day at a time. Almost lost two people I love very much. Spent a lot of time walking the beach...Got to spend time with Karl with a K. Helped my mom recover from her hip replacement. Helped my dad through some rough times.
April - Fantastic time in Maui that also had some major tragedies. My job being one of them. Bought a convertible...and a Jeep. Spent time with my horses. Started a new company and struck out on my own. Spent a lot of time walking the beach...
May - Took some time off to regroup and realign myself - traveled to Joshua Tree and Arizona to spend time with my sponsor. Almost bought a new couch. Spent a lot of time walking the beach...
June - Apparently a month wasn’t enough, so I took another month. And welcomed my son home after being gone for a year. Rescued several crows (I know weird). Spent a lot of time walking the beach...
July - Started a new job. Had to send my son back to Alaska. Enjoyed some down time in Alaska. Met someone who rocked my world. Almost bought a new couch. Spent a lot of time walking the beach...Got to spend time with Karl with a K and Patrick.
August - Quit the new job. And dedicated time to more reflection and recuperation. Spent a lot of time walking the beach...Spent an ominous weekend in Palm Springs. Went to the Ventura County Fair - every single day!
September - Enjoyed life - visited Santa Cruz and Washington, DC. Fell in love.
October - Enjoyed my life - worked - camped in Refugio - helped my daughter buy her first car - celebrated Halloween Fright Night style. Almost bought a new couch.
November - Went to Montana - Got COVID and the flu which kind of ruined Thanksgiving. Turned 53. Moved in with the most amazing man. Almost bought a new couch. Laughed a lot. Loved more.
December - Went back to Hawaii - celebrated the holidays with my growing family and really appreciated all that I endured, survived, grew through and changed in the year just passed.
I habitually spend today and the weeks leading up to today, thinking about what I want to change in the coming year...but a few years ago I realized that whatever it was that I was going to write down, it was always the same. And that, in fact, what I wanted to change was really what everyone else is always wanting to change:
Spend more time outside
Eat healthy foods
Read more books
Spend more time living and less time working
Achieve a better work/life balance
Love more deeply
When I realized that I was always resolving to do the same things every year, it kind of took the wind out of my sails. I mean, really? Every fucking year? Same shit?
So a few years ago, I gave myself permission to stop. To not resolve, instead to remain unresolved. I mean I am always trying to be a better version of me. But the things that I have habitually resolved to become were and are really about me. Not about service or kindness or being there for others. They are usually quite self centered ideals that perhaps this year, I can do what I have never been able to do before: fundamentally change so that I am my own version of perfection. Not only is this unattainable...it is kind of missing the point.
I am a big inventory person. I do it all the time. Where am I slacking? Where am I killing it? Where do I need work? Where can I appreciate the growth? All day, every day...this is how I spend my time.
But a few years ago I had this revelation: that I am going to always pick the same self centered shit. All my lists and resolves revolve around me. Me becoming a better version of myself so that I could enjoy my life more. Which is really quite a not so subtle violence to my current version and life.
I am here. Alive. Sober. Happy. My life is so good. I mean every single day I get up and most of the time nothing hurts. I am healthy. I am loved. I am relatively successful. I have friends and pets and kids that I adore. I have a partner whom I have waited for my whole life who I adore and love with all that I am, which is sometimes not enough and sometimes too much.
I do not have to change anything. I do not have to become better. If I go to the gym five days a week and get a completely flat stomach (which is my own personal version of Nirvana) my life will not really change all that much.
Which has lead me to the following conclusion about all of us:
We are perfect just as we are. In this moment, in this year. We can all endeavor and resolve all we want but at the end of next year, the same shit is going to be on that resolution list. Sure we might check a few things off, but really the things that we really want are not static. They are alterable. They change and no amount of list making and resolving is really going to do anything but create a bar that we always feel that we can never really reach...
So I remain unresolved this year for all that usual stuff except one thing: to love more. Everyone. Myself included. Be kind, and loving and joyous and happy and to spread that wherever I go.
We are enough.
We are working hard.
We are trying.
And that is plenty.
So as I usher the happy even numbered year of 2022 out and welcome in whatever oddity 2023 is going to bring (right after I get over my instant distaste for odd numbers) I am going to wipe the slate clean and resolve nothing. Instead, I am going to live this day to the best of my ability loving, laughing and enjoying. Improving on nothing. If this is as good as it ever gets, I am way over paid. The only resolution I will take with me into the new year is this resolve to remain unresolved...and hope that this defiance towards becoming more or better or thinner or healthier dies at the stroke of midnight and I can once more love the skin I am in, and all that this amazing life has given me.
I pray that all of us walk into 2023 happy, healthy, loving and loved right here and right now. Nothing more required to be added or resolved.