I had a great time in DC. But I am having a hard time getting back into my routine at home. I am tired. Like super tired and I have been sleeping in (well, at least as much as the dogs will let me) and that has cut into my writing time.
If I am honest, I also am wanting to be a little less forthright than usual. And I am not sure why. Normally, I just pour it all out there and let it be whatever it is. For a bit now, sharing what I think and feel has become harder.
Part of it is my routine being off. I do so much of life the same. The same shit in the same order every day. I need it. But I also seem to need to interrupt the flow, often. Traveling does it. New relationships do it. School starting or ending does it. And sometimes, it is just me, I interrupt it. I am the one establishing the routine, and I am the number one cause of the routine being all fucked up. Sometimes this is a good thing, and other times, not so much. Just me in my way...again.
I am not sure which of these I am in right now...likely both. That seems to be the way things are more and more...I am in the way and making a few positive changes. Like all the time.
I would love to leave this right here and totally skip over the other little thing I mentioned...but I won’t. I am supposed to be honest here and I really do try. I think that I am worried about putting it out here because of some of the recent events where I offended and hurt people sharing how I felt. I can’t lie that it doesn’t make me want to censor myself quite a bit, but that isn’t what I set out to do when I started this daily writing and sharing practice almost four years ago.
I am sad about the losses of late. I feel powerless to do anything to correct the missteps and I feel relieved to not be living a lie anymore. I feel terrible that I hurt people I care about and I also am relieved for all of us that we can now move on to whatever is next...and for me, the moving on comes as slowly as the healing does.
I am also still super sad about my mother in law’s passing. My kids are sad and I don’t know how to help them. They are so removed from it all and not really included in the process. How do you help people grieve? That is a huge subject which I will devote to another blog on another day, but I feel, as their mom, I should be facilitating something for them, some framework upon which to process their pain and grief but Logan is in Alaska and doing what he is doing and doesn’t want to talk about it. Grace is here and she is talking to me about her loss and pain but I feel like it isn’t enough.
One more time that acceptance seems to he the only way to go...I cannot do the grieving for them. I can only ensure that I am present, available and willing to listen if and when they want to talk.
Which brings me back to my routine issue: the best way for me to ensure that I am present is to pick up my routine and get it going again. It is the framework of my life. It is how I get it all done in a day and meet the demands of life on life’s terms. I need structure. And routine, my daily grind, which looks so much different than it used to, it is the method I employ to get me going in my life.
And like everything in life, it needs to be fine tuned. Every time I interrupt myself, I get a new opportunity to make a few tweaks and changes. I get to move myself into a deeper, more fulfilling way of living. But that isn’t how it feels, it feels like struggle. And I don’t really enjoy that feeling.
But like everything else in life, struggle is part of the journey. It is how we get from point A to point B. And my routine being interrupted is a good thing, albeit struggle inducing. I find myself just wanting to lie in bed and drink coffee and surf Facebook. But I know if I do that, I will miss important things in my life that mean something to me. So I resist the urge to dally and instead force myself to return to the routine of the morning.
It is funny, I just realized that when my routine gets disrupted, so do my animals...my cat who comes and lays on me every morning while I write, didn’t come yesterday and partly because I was out of sorts and didn’t provide her the framework she needed...it took her awhile this morning too, but now she is here, doing her thing, purring her heart out, letting me know that there is at least one other being besides me who benefits from my morning practices.
It takes some benevolence to return to your daily regime, and I am not one for whom benevolence comes easy...but I have learned the fine art of surrender in this life and to get the whole morning schedule moving again, benevolence and surrender are but essential.
For me, routine, even interrupted, is how I live my life. Doing small, discrete tasks over and over again, daily, creates magnificent change in my world. I don’t think you have to get up early, but I do think that what I do in the morning sets my stage for the rest of my day. It is important to me to do what is most important first, so that I am ensured that I have created a space for the things in my life that bring value, meaning and soul. And for me this begins every day upon waking...I wake to a new day, that can be as amazing as the day before, for me, I just have to get into my groove.
Here goes everything...