Self Trust...

Man has it taken me a long time to get to a place where I can trust me.  I don’t know about you, but I was fucking shady in my prior life...

It has taken decades to become this version of myself, and I have changed so much, that it is hard to recall who I used to be.  I mean, until that version of me shows up in my daily life and then it is painfully clear how I used to act all the time!

And the base level for all this craziness and insanity was that I did not trust myself.  I picked shady shit for shady reasons.  I betrayed myself in order to form some misguided allegiance to you and all your shadiness.  For the life of me today, I cannot recall why...

Fun?

DysFUNction?

Immaturity?

Self hatred?

Alcoholism?

Likely all of the above!

But what I have learned over the 30+ years of self inventory and investigation is that I gave myself away repeatedly.  I didn’t want me, and I also cannot conjure up now, why if I didn’t want me why the fuck you would, but this is how I behaved.  I needed you to prove to me that I was worthwhile, that I was worthy, I was lovable.  

Today, I have developed a deep seated trust in myself and while I, like every one else on the planet, still grapple with self loathing and worthiness at times, I do, today, know on a cellular level that I have my own back.  And since I have learned how to do that for me, I can do it for you also.  My job is to take care of me, and let you do you, and to be honest about who I am and how I show up.

So when I get those weird, ill defined feelings, that I cannot trace to an actual source, I have to just trust my defaults.  And for me, the default, is should I stay or should I go?  And for me, it is almost always go.  It is rarely stay.  But the times I have remained have proven to be most fortuitous.

Right before the pandemic occurred, I found a new house I wanted to buy and so I put in an offer and listed my house.  I got a more than full price offer on my house but lost the bid on the one I wanted to purchase...so I was almost without a house.  I went to San Francisco on a business trip and decided that I would move there instead.  I needed to shake it up, I had been back in Ojai about 5 years and it was time to GO!  But when I landed at the airport in Santa Barbara, I had this thought land, “God is it good to be home!”  And I realized that there was nowhere to go but home.  So I walked from selling my house, abandoned my ridiculous idea about moving to SF and just stayed put.

The pandemic hit less than a month later...

I knew that staying put was the right thing for me.  I trusted that my gut check about staying put was the right decision and I saved myself being homeless, with a kid and pets in the middle of a worldwide pandemic!  

I could give you a million other examples of pivotal moments about which self trust was foundational and life changing.  But I won’t bore you with the details...

The most important thing, I guess, is that I have it today.  I can’t always articulate why I am doing whatever it is I am doing, but I can tell you that a lot of inventory work and self inquisition has gone into whatever the fuck I am doing in the moment...a lot of fucking work!

But the work has been the payoff.  I know that I can trust myself today to make the best decision for me that I can.  And that I will always factor the others who might be affected into my calculations.  But, in the end, I will do what is best for me, praying that my taking care of me, doesn’t hurt you.  And if it does, I will do my best to minimize the impact.  Because I do not exist in a vacuum and how you feel is important.  But I have to always be true to me first because if I cannot do that, I am just lying to you.  And who wants that fucking relationship?  No one.

I betrayed myself a lot in this life.  And I am quite sure I am likely not done.  I am sure I have more lessons to learn about self trust but I would like to rest in the space today that I am grateful, so very grateful to be in a place in my life where I trust myself deeply.  What a terrible way I used to live, always throwing myself under your bus.  Today, it feels good to NOT do that anymore.  To live with a level of integrity and honor that supports healing and growth.

For me, the only way l learned to trust myself was to behave in ways that completely belied my own integrity and then have to dig myself out of the fucking hole.

And so, I learned the rule of holes:

When you find yourself in one, stop digging.

Again, still...