God's Speed...

Fuck have I tried to move at Erin’s speed.  However, God’s speed always wins out.  No matter how much will I exert or conjure, God’s will for my life always finds a way through.

And I have come to rely upon this.

I frequently think my life should be going one way or another...and that whatever I think should be happening in my life, should happen sooner, or later, or right fucking now.  And God’s speed has always been a better idea, even if I am not capable of discerning that at the time.

I have learned by being here and living and being present and accountable and sober for all of this life...that God’s will and timing is always divine, upon that I can rely.

I look at all the tangled, jangled bullshit that is in my life, all the twists and turns, all the shit I didn’t see coming, or I didn’t want to see coming.  All the mishaps that turned out to be gifts, complete and total gifts. And there has absolutely been a divine timing to it all.  Sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly, but never, ever the way and timing I think should be operative...

I am moving at God’s speed, even when I think it is all me and my doing. It isn’t.  I have grown into a person who can see the divinity in everything...and often, now, has the capacity to trust it and wait.  Or hurry up as the case may be.

God’s timing right now has been pretty epic.  A whole clusterfuck of shit has gone down but in the aftermath, I am here, still standing and given this time to heal.  Grieve the loss of my dad.  Heal my neck injury.  Be there for my mom.  Do a little traveling.  Work on my house (well, have others do that), help my children launch into their adult lives, attend to my homestead of cats and the border collie who really runs this place.  I may think I want something different or at a different time but I knew when this was all blowing up  in December, God’s hand was in all of it.  And I trusted it.  And I did my best to enjoy the process.

I sat for hours with my dad as he lay dying.  Sat there and just was.  He and I, just being together in ways that we were never capable of being when he was healthier.  

I hated what my job had become and the way I was being treated.  I didn’t know how exactly to exit that job and the ties that bound me to it, but God did.   And poof!  Just like that it was gone.  Sure I had some hard feelings: betrayal, loss, grief to work through but I am so fucking glad to not work there anymore.

My neck is not improving.  I mean, some days it is better and less painful, but it has become an intractable problem...one that I am likely just going to have to live with.  And the two things that make it worse?  Desk work and stress.  Two things an attorney is required to do quite a lot of.  So what do I do next?  I don’t know, but I am clear, for now, God just wants me to heal and wait and trust that whatever comes next, I will be ok.

I finally got the last remnants of changes my last relationship carved onto my property removed.  All evidence of him and his being here pretty much gone at this time.  And that feels good.  It has been a long two years of grieving not the loss of him, I am clear that I never really had him at all, but the loss of what I thought I had and what I thought I lost.  You can’t love a lie, well, fuck, yes you can because I did.  It was a beautiful lie that I bought and invested two years of my life in.  And it has taken a very long time for me to see that, as painful as he was, I needed that bottom with him to grow beyond it.

God’s speed is rarely Erin’s speed.  And that has created quite a bit of discomfort for me, and hell, who knows maybe God too.  I swear I picture him with his head in hands a lot when it comes to me!  Shaking his head in a loving, but defeated way, saying under his breath, “no, no, no sweetie!  Not that again, still!” 

But then we both just smile and laugh and trust that I will unfuck myself in relatively short order.  And God knows the timing and I am learning, fucking slowly to trust God’s timing in my life and to move forward knowing that God’s timing will never perhaps match mine, but God’s speed always has my best interest at heart.  On that I can rely...

Again, still...