To Sleep or Not to Sleep...That is the question of middle age apparently.
I have been up most of the night. Not my idea at all. The dog decided that she was super interested in what was going on in the backyard all night and had no problem making sure that I was her door person. I was not amused. But I kept getting up because I wasn’t sure that she didn’t feel good and was trying to not have an accident in the house...so my desire to not have to clean up diarrhea or vomit, launched me out of bed several times. Turns out that is a pretty good motivator if you ever really need me to do something...
I went back to sleep a couple of times. But at 2:30, I was done. My nervous system now awake and not all that content. I did not yell at her or get mad so that is an improvement.
I notice that the older I get the more sleep eludes me. My slumber disturbed way more often than when I was younger. And I am not a person that functions well on lack of sleep. It shows on my face, dark circles making me appear gaunt and drawn. My psychological well being also takes a nose dive. I am slower with ideas, thoughts and just about everything and tend to feel like I am walking through molasses all day. Everything is harder. And my mood tends to be short. Everything gets to me and irritates me...not cool.
I am going to really try to have a better day but a lot of it really isn’t up to me. I am tired and that is just going to be the way I show up for the day today. I am going to try really hard to not be a jerk to those around me. I have a busy day today and I am going to be running from 6:30 this morning until at least 9:00 tonight. Perhaps the busy will keep me ahead of the tired.
Sleep feels kinda of like a high I used to chase. Honestly, I haven’t slept well since Lane left. Each time we got back together, one of my most favorite parts was the sleeping. Just having him next to me provided me with something that I lacked alone. I am not sure what it was: safety, contact, exhaustion? Regardless, I slept hard and deep and well. I miss it. All of it.
I am not one of those single people that get into bed at night and feel the great expanse of loneliness in the vacancy next to me. Most nights I just crawl into bed and go to sleep, no thought at all what it would be like to have a partner there, occupying me and my bed. Rarely, do I even consider that there might someday be a different situation. Sometimes I feel regulated to this solitary life and sleeping arrangement and most of the time, that is fine with me. Guess that is a good thing given the way my life has gone.
What I find myself fantasizing about more often is going away for a weekend and sleeping the clock around. Kind of like when I was a new mother and sleep deprived. I would dream about a soft bed in a cool room next to the ocean where all I did was sleep, read, rest and repeat. And I am there again. Dreaming of a time when I can escape to somewhere else where dogs and children do not wake me in the middle of the night.
And I guess that is what middle age has become for me...I no longer dream of finding him or winning the lottery. I dream of getting a good night’s sleep. Ha! I am so boring!
My daughter crawled into bed with me last night and she is snoring gently next to me which is kind of annoying to have the auditory reminder that she is sleeping comfortably while I cannot. I am also grateful that she slumbers while I write. That the better course for us both.
I am going to try not to sleep walk through my day. I am going to try to be of service. I am going to show up and do this deal to the best of my ability and then I am going to crash. Hard. I guess sleep and rest are two things that youth has the luxury of taking for granted that middle age does not.
And when I get really spent today and spun out, I will return to that fantasy of the muted bedroom on the coast, smooth sheets and crisp air. Or maybe in one of those hotels in Hawaii where you sleep on a net over the ocean on a bed of linens that are like clouds. I will imagine myself slipping off to somewhere else and spending hours and hours dreaming peacefully. Sleep porn. That is what I have in middle age, a rich, deep and full fantasy life about sleep. Wow, really didn’t see that one coming.
So for all of you out there still sleeping, fuck you. HA! Just kidding. I am happy for you and just a little jealous. May you sleep all your nights, safe, sound and serene. And may I join you far more often than I seem to be lately...
Oh, and do NOT google my title today...or well, maybe do. I leave that totally up to you...
