The Feral Sky...

Is it just me or does it feel like there is a lot going on up there lately?  I mean all the planets are lining up, Mercury was in retrograde for a very long time (I don’t know what that actually means, just that it is not good), the full moon kept me awake for several hours last night.  It just seems that while things continue to decline here on Earth, the sky is doing some equally crazy shit perhaps to turn our gaze upwards and thereby perhaps inward?

I don’t know, just a thought...

I am not a big outer space person.  The Air & Space Museum in Washington DC is my least favorite of all the Smithsonians.  But I just read a book about outer space and I loved it.  It was really more about people and relationships than it was about outer space but it did provide some insights into the pull towards the heavens and why we all tend to marvel upwards.

Earth is hard.  Especially right now.  I know that probably every generation has had its moment where it was sure we were not coming back from.  I feel like I have lived through several of these times:  The Cold War, The Iran Hostage, Threat of Nuclear Winter, COVID.  And during all those times, I have never lost faith in us as a species.  But I am not sure I can say that now.  I am losing faith...more and more every day.

All the principles by which I attempt to live my life, that I thought all of us were attempting, aspiring to live by, have been sold out, devalued and in turn, dismissed.  Truth.  What even is that today?  It is becoming harder and harder to come by and any truth you receive, also feels tenuous, so very tenuous.  Honesty.  To get real, I have pretty much stopped dating because I find that almost no one possesses even a passing acquaintance with honesty.  It seems like everyone is running game and I hate it.  And it makes me feel despondent and sad.  So I just stopped trying.  

And because Truth and Honesty have been devalued to a point of almost non-existence, Trust is rare.  There are good people in my life whom I trust and trust me, but there used to be more.  More people in which I placed trust. Now the circle is small.  Growing ever smaller every day.

And that leads me to faith, something I am also losing at a rapid rate.  Which is why I think the feral sky is somewhat scaring me...I have had faith in so many things that turned out to be things that I should not have believed in.  Mostly men that I chose to date, but also friends, business relationships.  And I am sure they might say the same about me.  Both being right, but perhaps both being wrong at the same time.  And I can see now, it was always about a lack of faith...

Every night before I go to bed, I walk outside and I look upwards, sometimes for entertainment, sometimes for hope, sometimes for confirmation that we are not all completely fucked.  And I get relief every time.  It is the one constant I have come to rely upon, the sky has always been feral.  Wild, untamed, explosive and mysterious.  It is not a reflection of the current time, because it has always been full of danger and expansiveness.  It brings me comfort to know that the sky is just doing what it has always done, and all the laws that have always applied, still do.

So even as we lose the plot here on earth, I find comfort in the fullness of the moon, its phases and cycles.  I find peace and comfort there when I am not able to find it here in this very human experience I am having.

The world feels feral now...and perhaps the sky is just reminding us of what has always been true.  We are not the most important thing here.  Our little plans and schemes and demands are not what is vitally important.  It is our interconnectedness with the cosmos that is what really sustains us when all else fails.  I need connection to you, to myself, to a belief in the goodness in this world and in the galaxies that exist and surpass my understanding and intellect.

The feral sky is perhaps underscoring for us all that life is inherently beautiful and random and caustic and wild.  No amount of things, dollars or possessions is ever going to change the fact that we are hurtling through space and time becoming further and further disconnected to the land, to space and to each other...My own desire to eschew all of this accumulated life is assuaged by looking towards the feral sky and thinking about what we must look like just beyond the earth’s atmosphere...tiny, insignificant beings that are so interwoven and dependent that all our posturing to the contrary is completely ridiculous, sad even...

The sky reminds me that there is more to life than what I think, what I have or what I feel.  There are laws and principles that are being applied over and over again, without question or demand that bring order to the chaos that ensues.  And that reminds me that my own application of principles and laws is not without merit and grace, it is perhaps the only thing that is keeping me somewhat sane and grounded in this life...

So while my fellows spin out and away from truth, honesty, trust and faith, looking heavenward reminds me that my commitment to these things is not naive or misplaced.  It is the application of laws older than us, older than time and space and all that we do not know or understand just yet.  It is not a waste of time to live by principles, even when you see the world around erupting into chaos and confusion as these very same things are eroded and forsaken...it isn’t about them, it always, is about me and how I show up in this life...

Again, still...