The Purpose of Tattoos...

Well, at least for me, (I think others might relate) but tattoos are a very personal thing.  We each have our own motivations, our own needs, our own artistry.

For me, tattoos are a way in which I reclaimed myself and my body.

I know this may sound strange, but for a very long time, you controlled my body.  I cared more about what you thought, felt, suggested, commented, etc.  I cared more about that than I did what I thought.  I was just renting this shell, you were actually in charge of it.

How can that be?  Well, I will try to explain it.  I think, though, it might just be something you have to experience...

I feel like I was born into this body, and it was mine.  Then shit went down and I lost connection to it.  Then it wasn’t mine anymore, an inhospitable host.  And I rebelled against it.  Daily. I hated it.  I starved it.  I over fed it.  I lost all connection to it.  I reviled it but couldn’t really leave it so I disassociated from it and ignored it as much as I could. I came to loathe it.

I worked a lot at healing.  EMDR.  Therapy for decades.  Lots and lots of healing. But still my body felt like a prison.  Not a place of sanctuary.

But then I started to get tattoos.  Small ones at first, meaningful little trinkets.  I didn’t know why I started doing it.  I wasn’t sure why I wanted them, I just knew that I did.  It was hard to get over the stage in life I started doing it.  It was hard to get past what other people were going to think. It was hard for me to get out of my own way.  But I did, one tiny tattoo at a time.

And once I got started, I couldn’t stop.  I didn’t want to stop.  I had new ideas, things that were important to me, things that I wanted on my body, forever. 

And so it began...

I used to travel and get tattoos, but after a particularly shitty experience with a tattoo artist in Santa Fe, NM I decided I didn’t want to roll the dice anymore and stumbled upon Hanman Ink here in Ojai and in her I found understanding, laughter, compassion, healing and amazing artistry.  She is my only tattoo artist now.  She is the one I trust.  She is the one I want. She is the one that I turn myself over to.  Of course it is a woman. Of course it is in Ojai.

I believe there is a significant link between the depth of trauma you have experienced and the number of tattoos you have.  I believe this.  I have no scientific studies to back it up.  I have no proof, but I believe it.  It has been my experience and many others I have known.  There is something healing about the cutting into skin.  And the image left behind.  A reclamation.  A planting of a proverbial flag.  A surface that has been occupied by others...reclaimed, curated and loved back into being.

For me, each new inking is a further demonstration of my healing.

Perhaps tattoos are our subconscious way to show the world our pain and our healing. Perhaps they are just art for some.  For me, they are both.  A means to decorate and celebrate my skin, my body and my soul.  Each marking on my skin celebrates something I have had to work out in my soul.  Each word and image, something that I have either had to survive or heal, or, sometimes, the art is symbolic of stuff I have processed and come to own.

You don’t have to get it.  But I felt the need to write it down, more for me than for you.  With each new inking, I feel more alive, like each new piece rounds me out further as a person.  As my person.  And as I heal, I deepen my understanding of my journey, my place and my purpose.  And I drop a little more deeply into this mortal vessel we call a body.

Doesn’t have to work for you...but it does for me.

I am only truly happy when I have a tripped planned and a tattoo appointment on calendar...

Again, still...