The Queen of Wishful Thinking...

I need that as a tattoo I think.

I am a manifester.  Sometimes, without me even trying all that hard. Sometimes what is a loose idea kicking around in my head, just becomes this other thing.  I see the golden thread that connects it all.  And I have a tendency to say, “fuck it!” And just begin.

And I really don’t worry about failure all that much.  Perhaps that is arrogance masquerading as confidence, but I really don’t worry about falling flat on my face.  I think, and I am not really sure, but I think it is because of all my wishful thinking...it just doesn't occur to me until I am past the point of no return. And then what is the point of thinking about failure? I am already too far gone...

I am a person who just always believes that it will work out.  Not that I don’t have my moments of sheer panic and dread.  Those come, but they leave quite quickly.  I am not capable of holding onto them, they are slippery and tend to cascade off my life and slip away.

Now before you go thinking I have this all figured out, my wishful thinking has fucked me over time and again.  Wishful thinking is a rich breeding ground for falling in love with potential.  And it is here, in the dating and love department, that I can see my wishful thinking has whalloped me good and often.

Wishful thinking where love is concerned turns out to not be such a lovely strategy.  But I guess, also, it has kept me in the game.  Kept me trying.  Dating.  Attempting to love again after such public debacles of epic proportions.  Wishful thinking is kind of mean when I think about it, allowing me one more time to jump into the fray and get pummeled.  But perhaps that is the whole purpose of being given all this wishful thinking, it keeps me moving forward with a positive, can do attitude.  And for anyone who has jumped in the dating pool recently, you are gonna need an attitude like that.

I am not sure where all my belief that it will all work out and be ok comes from, I am just sure that I believe that. I know that I am on the right path, because I am on the path and it will open or close as it is supposed to.  This doesn’t mean that I will always like it, or love it or be happy about it, but I will always be given the lesson I am supposed to get.  Always.

And also, I guess, I have to own that there is a part of me that needs to rule SOMETHING...and so far, I can only rule my mind and all the wishful thinking produced there.  And I guess, that is something.  I am happy that I think this way and I also see how it gets me into trouble. Which is about as balanced as I can hope for.  I see the good and I see the bad. 

Now if I could just do a better job applying that information in real time...

Again, still...