The Razor Thin Line Between Projection and Intuition...

Sometimes things land in my head, that are loosely based in reality.  Like there is a factual basis for why I am thinking what I am thinking, but it is very hard to decipher if my thoughts and attendant feelings are based upon incoming intuition or fear based projections designed to tell a story to make sense of a situation that is currently baffling me.

It is a very hard place to sit.  I have not, historically, handled that well.  I have this tendency to believe what I think.  And my growth and evolution hasn’t really helped all that much because now, while I know that perhaps I am projecting, I cannot really let it go that I am, also, very intuitive...

When situations come up and I feel like I am not really sure which thing I am engaging, projection or intuition, I have a tendency to freeze.  And then I fill in the gaps, without really letting the other person(s) involved, to have their say.  And I do realize this is a self protective measure and somewhat immature.  Doesn’t really do shit for the compulsion to shut it all down and cut the offending person(s) off.

Today I feel like I am walking that razor thin line in a wind storm.  I did not sleep well.  As is my usual habit, I fell asleep quickly, but then at 11 pm I woke up and could not go back to sleep.  I was awake for several hours.  Then finally fell back asleep only to wake again at 4 am with projections or intuition swelling in my brain.

And now here we are...

I have a plan which does involve waiting...and listening and praying and meditating.  And I am doing my best to keep my story/plot creator in check.  But if I am honest, I just keep going over and over the situation in my head...it a continuous loop played on repeat since the thought landed last evening evoking feelings of fear, insecurity and a very strong need to cut and run.  And I am not really sure what version of me is going to win out.  I would like it to be the more evolved and mature version but at 4 am, the frightened teen in need of protection is making some very strong, well formulated arguments for a swift exit and not a lot of dialogue...

It is a hard place to sit, on this razor thin line...and I find myself wondering if anyone else has this issue?  If anyone else feels as I do, frequently?  Does anyone else doubt their ability to accurately decipher projection from intuition?  Fear is such a fickle and shapeshifting beast.  How does one really get down to brass tacks and figure out where the thought came from and whether it is truth disguised as projection or fear disguised as intuition?  Very hard to sort through.

So I stay with the thoughts and feelings attempting to strengthen my faith that things will be revealed in due time.  And that I have what I need to take care of myself, so there is no need to panic.  I can do hard things, I do them all the time.  And all the dread that is building in my stomach will dissipate and disperse over time...and I will be ok, I always am.  The process of getting back to fine isn’t always pretty and isn’t pain free but I get there...always.

Again, still...