The Thing About God's Will...

Well, I do not have 8 more cats this morning.  Which is as it should be. I was so worked up yesterday, so fearful of taking action and equally of not taking the action.  I found the gas station easily and made my stop.  And what unfolded was completely and totally a God thing...

The woman that runs the gas station loves those cats and takes care of them.  She feeds, them, loves them and does her best, in a precarious situation, to ensure their safety.  When I asked her if I could take them, she was kind and appreciative.  She knew that I could give them a different, perhaps better life.  But she loved them and I could see that she needed them.  She gave it thought and consideration, and in the end, she said no.  The cats should remain with her.

I felt badly for causing her such consternation.  But I also know that I walked the path I was supposed to.  I couldn’t just walk away.  I couldn’t not go back and ask.  I thought the decision was either to go or not go, but really what I learned was how something can be selfish and selfless at the very same time.  I realized on my way home that my behavior was akin to me seeing a child who was loved but impoverished and offering that child a different life that was perhaps full of more opportunities and money, but not one necessarily that was full of more love.  I would never do that, but I did it yesterday, just with cats instead of kids.  What I offered that lady was exactly that.  How arrogant can I be?

Does it matter that it comes from a place of concern and love?  Does it matter that I just wanted to help?  Does it matter that I was conflicted about the whole endeavor?

I am not sure.  I am still processing it all.

I guess the lesson is mine.  I see how I can be selfless and selfish at the very same time.  How my privileged life blinds me to truths that perhaps would be evident to anyone else.  I am not so blind to think that the “rescue” was a good idea.  I know that pretty much no one thought that me taking on the responsibility of eight more cats was a good idea...including me.  But at the very same time, I had to try.  I had to be willing.  I trusted that God would show me the way and it worked out for all concerned.  The cats remained where they were, but I got to see how loved they were and how much they were being cared for, differently than I would do it, but well all the same.

The best thing about trusting God’s will for me was that I really didn’t have a way.  I was as equanimonous about getting them as I was about not getting them.  I didn’t have a way, per se, I was just going to show up in the way I thought I should and be willing to take whatever came.  And I did.  And it wasn’t even hard.  It wasn’t hard to drive away with no cats.  I felt sad and relieved. Which is how it usually works when I am willing to do God’s will for me...I am able to walk that line between two completely contrary and contradictory emotions and feelings.  I can be disappointed and grateful.  I can be sad and happy.

I never thought I could be the person that could accept what is.  I was always recreating the now to something more to my liking, even when that creation was a complete fiction.  Today I feel like I live in the place where reality is just reality and I have my feelings about it but have a willingness to do God’s will more than I want to do my own.

I felt called to service and I showed up.  I didn’t force my agenda but demonstrated a willingness to serve.  And I accepted when I was told my service wasn’t needed.  And then I left, feeling good about myself for being willing and bad about myself for not recognizing that love takes many forms and just because the love that beings share for each other doesn’t look the way I think it should doesn’t make it any less loving.

The thing about God’s will is that I am not a very good predictor of outcome.  I thought yesterday would go down very differently but because I had an open mind, willingness and a sincere desire to be of service, I got to increase my understanding of how love works in life, one more time.

And I got to drive home, content in the knowledge that my arrival home would be a joyous homecoming where I could love and snuggle all the beings I currently have the privilege of loving and serving:  my daughter, my dog, my cats and my chickens.  I have more than enough love in my life and more than enough beings to serve.  Sometimes God’s will is for me to just appreciate all that I already have and sink deeper into the knowledge that I am so very blessed...nothing else need be added.

Again, still...