The Version They Deserved...

If you ask a certain set of people about me, they will tell you I am amazing, wonderful, decent and kind.  They will tell you we have been friends forever and that I am loyal and can be counted upon...

Then there are others, who will tell you I am a total bitch.  

Believe both versions.

The people got the version they deserved.

I am rarely trying to be a bitch.  Sometimes I am just in my general life, or sometimes I have had to do some things that would be classified as bitchy out of self preservation.  It wasn’t that I was so much a bitch, as I had to set some hard boundaries with people who were quite content to take advantage of my usual niceness.  And sometimes, I wasn’t being a bitch so much as I was no longer willing to put up with unacceptable and shitty treatment, there is a difference...the issue is the people you leave, the people you have to distance yourself from, often call your self care and boundaries you being a bitch.

Oh well, let them.

I have no power over other people. Hell, I barely have power over myself.  And even less over my kids and pets.  I don’t even try anymore.  I do my best to show up as the person I want to be today, flawed as that may be, but trying...

I generally like people.  I find them interesting and engaging, but the older I get, the less I want to engage.  Dealing with grown ass adults who have done little to handle their own shit or heal their trauma or deal with their personality disorders is exhausting and having spent my life time dealing with others and their afflictions and addictions (as well as my own) I find I do not have a large bandwidth anymore for much of it.

My social circle is small but loyal and intimate.  The universe has sent out a resounding message that all people with narcissistic tendencies shall be removed from my life, summarily.  And when the universe speaks...shit happens. And I have learned to be grateful!

I like the thought that perhaps those people who don’t like me or think I am a bitch or whatever, got the version of me they deserved. Not everyone deserves the kind and loving version of you.  The nicer you are, the more they will take advantage of you...and the nearer you allow them to be in your life, the closer and harder the strike.

It is not easy to walk away from people you may love but are not good for you.  It isn’t easy to set hard boundaries and have people call you out, call you names and hate on you...but that is what the people do.  Mostly people who are incapable or unwilling to look at why you might have behaved in the manner you did.

I had a situation like this years ago where I did something that caused a small group of people to get really upset with me.  Never one time did any of them ever come back and ask me why I might have done what I did...never once.  They just immediately condemned me for it and then left.  Making real the fear that if I ever said how I really felt, they would leave.  In the end, it was on me for allowing people like that into my life to begin with...and although there are still times I miss them, because they absolutely added value to my life, I accept and agree that my life is so much better off without them...sometimes the universe requires a blow up in order to save you from your own choices and predilections.

Perhaps people deserve the version of you they get.  Perhaps in some instances, they are the ones that caused the version of you they got.  And perhaps that is just as it should be...people come and they go and they form their own opinions about you, your character and their interactions with you...and sometimes it doesn’t even matter if you are super kind or a bitch, sometimes it is a set up from the word go.  You are always going to be cast in a bad light because that is what they do...to you and to others.

I have learned to just let others do what they are going to do and make adjustments along the way.  There are two sides to every story and just because you aren’t in control of theirs, it doesn’t make your side any less valuable...or real, or true.

I never set off with the intention of leaving anyone with a bad impression or experience of me.  However, there are plenty of people who get a version of me that is less than perfect or stellar.  And sometimes that is totally on me.  I am having a bad day, am hungry or tired and sometimes, I am just being a bitch.  But most of the time, I think, people get the version of me they deserve...and more often than not, it is not a bitch, so much as it is vapor.  I am just gone.  I leave.  I do not create huge upheaval, I just go.  I become an apparition in their lives and move on with my own.

If I have stopped talking to you, become a ghost in your life, there is likely a very good reason for this.  And while I know I have my part, your part is the reason I will no longer engage with you.  Sometimes, you just have to leave and cutoff those that seek to do you harm, or at the very least are not supportive of your growth...sometimes these are the people we were married to, best friends with, employed by, worked with, loved and liked.

It has taken me a long time to grow into a version of myself that can make the very bold statement, “you got the version of me you deserved...and if you don’t think so, that likely underscores how correct the previous statement is...”

Again, still...