To Thine Ownself Be True...

Why is this so hard? I used to think it was hard because I wasn’t sure what my truth was.  Then I wasn’t sure because I was too codependent.  Now I feel like I have done a great deal of growth in both those areas, so what exactly is holding me back now?

Fear.  It is always fear.  Fear to let go of something I have, fear to not get something I need or want.  I have been struggling with a decision for a long time now.  Nine or so months and I have walked up to the line to pull the plug on something, but then I balk.  I talk myself out of the decision even though I absolutely know that remaining is not the right thing for me at all.

This constant, now daily betrayal of myself, by myself is grinding me down. It is crushing me under all the significance of my own participation in my own suffering.  I KNOW what is right for me, but here I am, not taking appropriate action.

I think I finally turned a corner last night.  I now know what I need to do, now I need to wait for some Divine guidance to signal me as to timing.  There is some footwork to be done, for sure, but really, what I need now is confirmation from the universe that now is the time to act.  I no longer question whether action needs to be taken, I know it does.  I have known that for over a year now.

What does life look like on the other side of that decision?  Will I be ok?  Will I be able to care for myself in all the ways I need?  My life is transitioning...whether I like it or want it or not.

I have some hard calls to make.  I have some difficult decisions to make.  I need to spend some time creating a roadmap for myself, instead of mindless numbing myself binging TV shows on Netflix.  Why is that so much easier to do than to take productive action in my own life?

I think what I know is best for me and what is easy have not always been the same thing. In fact, I know that what I need and want has never been the easier thing.  I don’t know why I must always need the more difficult path, but that just seems to be my lot.  Acceptance has come hard in this area.

I tend to seem to only be able to find my way on the harder trail.  Walking the flatlands has just never really worked for me...despite years of trying.  Decades.

I do know though, my life has been made harder, not by the choices I have made, but my resistance to doing what I know to be right for me.  I always get there eventually but I put up so many road blocks to the effort, that it takes me longer and makes the going harder than it needs to be.

Lying to myself about myself or the others I have allowed into my life has never made my life easier...and yet, this way about me has persisted way beyond what has been healthy and good for me.

To Thine Ownself Be True has felt more like a curse than a blessing for most of my life because my truth has always been inconvenient, hard and demanding more from me than I wanted to give at the time...but nothing has ever changed my truth, not even me quite desperately wanting something else for myself. Or trying to talk myself into staying in places that do not suit me or fit me.

That is the thing about truths, they remain unchangeable by facts and other people’s desires and wishes, they are not manipulatable, truth stands like a fiery beacon in the middle of your life, at first quietly just shining its light, but then, over time, the more truth is ignored, the louder it becomes until all you can hear is the sound of your own voice screaming, “IT IS TIME!”

And the only thing louder, I have ever found in this life, is your fear attempting to drown out truth by matching and then exceeding its volume.  Seems like the quieter, easier path is to trust truth in its more nascent stage, where it is only a fiery beacon and the only sound you hear is the pulsing of the flames of the truth that resonates within your soul...

Again, still...