What Today Brings...

Well, right now, a great deal of crying.  I just can’t stop this morning.  I am not even sure what kicked it off.  I just know I can’t stop.  And I guess that is as it should be as well.  I didn’t really believe that I was done grieving all the loss in the past month, but I guess busyness is a good distraction.  It has, at least, kept the tears at bay.  Although I am not sure, for me, that is ever really a good thing.

I feel bereft.  I feel deprived of an opportunity to grieve the loss of my dad because all of this job related bullshit.  I am angry and upset that I have to deal with it when I should be able to just grieve the loss of my father.  Instead of having some down time where I can just feel and cry and sort and muddle through, I am in a constant state of worry about how I am going to pay the bills, what I am going to do next and how this all gets sorted.

I am not sorry not to work there anymore.  I am not.  But I have to say the way I was treated and the lack of care or concern provided me from someone I have loved and cared for over 30 years came as a very hard slap.  And I am reeling.  I approached her with honesty and transparency, and I got conned.  I didn’t do what was best for me, I relied on her promises and word and stayed to my own detriment.  I gave up time with my dad while he was dying to attend to work duties.  I even spent three hours on a stupid FaceTime call to attend a holiday party virtually when I needed to be with my dad or sleeping.

How do I keep finding myself in these relationships where I am so fucking unimportant?  Why do I give so much to those who care so little about me and my wellbeing?  I got a copy of a Zoom transcript from a meeting where they are discussed sending me flowers...and she said, “Let’s not make it too sympathetic.”  Who does that?  Who says shit like that about someone whose dad is dying?  And she lost her own dad...so she knows what this feels like.  She fucking knows.

I am having such a hard time reconciling my grief with my participation in a relationship with someone who could be so fucking awful to me.  I worked so hard to help her.  I worked so hard to help her make changes for the better.  I gave of my time, my effort, my intellect, my experience.  And she fucked me over repeatedly.  Why the fuck did I not see this last blow coming?  Why do I always give someone who doesn’t deserve it the benefit of the doubt?

So today I am just mired in tears and a complete feeling of I am not sure how to move on.  I feel so lost.  I feel so sad and despondent and unseen.  I don’t need my pain to be front and center in her life, but the callous, unfeeling way in which she discarded me hurts me more than I would like to admit.

I do take comfort in the fact that I behaved well.  I didn’t fuck her over.  I did the honorable thing.  My side of the street is clean.  And I accept that the powers that be made this ending surgical and final.  No going back for me at this point.  There is nothing she can do or say that will ever right the wrong.  Who sends someone an email, on a Saturday, terminating them while they are actually at that very time, laying their father to rest?  Who the fuck does that?  She did.  After 30 years of friendship, that is how she saw fit to end everything.  Oh, she gave a casual, “sorry about the timing,” text.  Which only made the hurt worse.  Because she knew what she was doing, she had another choice, she could have waited but nope, she did what she did anyway.

And as much as I wish it didn’t hurt.  It does.  To be so casually, callously and summarily dismissed.  I do not understand how someone can be so important to me, and I can be so unimportant to them.  I just do not get it.

And I am also angry.  Angry that I am now sidelined from grieving my dad, or the grief that should more appropriately go to him, is being hijacked by her and all her work related bullshit that I have to go through now:  unemployment, disability, lawyers and lawsuits.  My only choice now is to fight or just allow her to fuck me over again.  Sigh.  I have to also own that I am not sure I have a fight left in me.  I am not sure if I really do.  And that is a lot to sit with everyday, also.

So today brings a lot of pain and anguish and grief.  And I am not managing it well today.  I have resisted writing about her and the employment fucking disaster because I was trying to keep a lid on it.  I was trying to move past it and beyond it.  But today, I just have to get it out of me.  I just have to put it here so that I can get some peace from it and her.  I have to be honest that I do not feel good about any of it and I am hurt and pissed and not sure what to do next...

So I will cry the tears, feel all the feelings that are so unfun to feel.  I will just sit here, in the dark and sob because that is all I feel capable of doing this morning.  I cried through the first 20 minutes of meditation before I finally gave up.  I have the ability to move on, and gird myself, but today, I just don’t.  And I suppose that is ok...I mean it kind of has to be.

Today brings a crushing amount of sorrow.  I acutely feel all of the loss in my life right now.  I miss my dad.  I miss my coworkers and clients.  I miss the role I played and the framework the job provided for my life. I miss the financial stability being employed provided me.  I miss the friend I thought I had but, in reality now, question whether I was always a means to an end for her.  It is not a good feeling to realize after 30 odd years, that perhaps, she never really liked me to begin with.  Our “friendship” some sort of  amalgamation of need, want and selfishness.  I know I loved her and I tried my best to be of service.  I told the truth as I saw it.  And I didn’t mince words.  I was candid.  I behaved with integrity.  And sometimes, in this life, you do that to your own peril.  And I don’t wish it to be different.  I just really hope this is the last time I call a foe, a friend.  Please, God, do not let me get that wrong again.  I really don’t think I can take it.

I have stopped crying now.  So that is good.  It is almost like the tears are transmuted into words on this screen, the more I wrote, the tidal wave of tears morphed into words of truth and pain to live here.  I feel better.  I now feel like perhaps I can cry some more for my dad instead of this fucked up work situation.  And I am also grateful that I can feel the feelings of loss, betrayal and disappointment and cry for that too.  Once upon a time, I cried for nothing.  Absolutely nothing.  Perhaps now that I have sobbed this work thing through this morning, perhaps now I can move on to whatever is next:  a healing?  That last one seems like too much to ask for, so I will decide to move forward today, no longer willing to just take the shit treatment and decide instead to hold those accountable, accountable.  I cannot change their shitty treatment, but I do have the ability to say, “Enough! This ends with me.”

Relationships really are the final frontier. Fuck me!  I am so tired of these relational lessons.  But I know that I need them and I am growing exponentially.  It sucks, but I know that good always follows hard, sometimes just not closely enough to feel beneficial.  But I am here, breathing in and out, and healing.  Some days the healing is just very tear laden...and I guess that is as it should be too.

Again, still...