Who You Are...

Are we who we think we are?  Or are we who others think we are?  Is who we really are somewhere between what others see and what we believe?

I have haters.  There is a smallish group of people who can’t stand me.  And they all have one thing in common, I left them.  We had an ongoing relationship and I took action that resulted in me leaving the relationship. And my consequence for that behavior was ostracizaion, maligning, hatred (that one I am not sure about because I am pretty sure you have to love something a great deal to hate it, and I do not think I ever ranked high enough in any of these people’s lives to be hated, because I don’t really feel like I was ever really loved...at least, if they did, it sure didn’t feel like love to me).

I have a fan club too.  I have a larger circle of people in my life who think the world of me.  Who have my back and love me. They show up for me and they aren’t afraid to call me out when I step out of line.  They accept me as the flawed, evolving person I am.

So why is it so much easier for me to believe the haters are right?  I mean, I KNOW they aren’t.  Their narrative is inspired and created by them for their own reasons and purposes.  I am not perfect but I am not who they accuse me of being.  So why the fuck do I let what they say or do hurt so much?

I can see the one thing they all have in common is that they are mired in their own pain, delusion and stuff. Stuff that to a large degree I have already rectified in my own life.  Dealing with my own addiction issues a long time ago, while they still struggle in their own.

Nevertheless it hurts to be called out, maligned and accused of behavior that isn’t based in reality and then when I refuse to accept their version of me, I am accused of being the gaslighter, the toxic person, the one who has the majority share of the blame.  I don’t know why it isn’t easier to see and feel that people like this always accuse other people of the things they are doing...it is how things are with narcissists.  My one repeated failing is to allow these people into my life while seeing who and what they are.

I am getting better at keeping them out, but this last couple is very hard.  And it breaks my heart and makes me not want to get out of bed today.

Who I am...such a varied thing that is so much up for debate, I guess mostly because I let it.  When what I really need to be doing is just letting go.  Letting these people just leave my life.  So hurtful.  So misunderstood.  

Again, still...

I really hope I learn the lesson this time, because feeling like this sucks...