30 Seconds...

It is said around recovery rooms, there will come a time when you have about 30 seconds to save your life.  And I have found that to be very true.  And it has happened to me several times over the last 30 years.

The first time came after a few months of being sober, I had been avoiding all my old haunts and “friends” in order to not be tempted.  I went to my home group Friday night meeting, went out to a late dinner with some of the members and then came home about 11.  My answering machine, (yes that is how long ago this was) was full of messages from friends celebrating several people’s graduations, messages requesting I come join them.

In the blink of an eye, I was out the door and on my way.  Having been doing a good job of working on myself and a program, I had heard about these momentary lapses of judgment.  I had heard there would come a time when you would have about 30 seconds to save my life.  

That night, my 30 seconds came for me under a brilliant moon.  As I stood there looking at my car, I began to run through how I thought the night would go.  I would feel not a part of and I would drink or I would feel so a part of and I would drink.  And a thought came to me, that at that very moment, I was not drunk currently and that might just be the better option.  

I turned around and walked back inside my house.  Turned off the phone, lest temptation cause me to fail the whole 30 second test should it come around for me again that particular night.  I took a shower, and went to bed.

That night is hugely responsible for why I am still here, 30 + years later.  I had 30 seconds to save my life...and I used it wisely.

There have been other times, for sure.  Times when I was on the verge of descending into madness again but I answered the phone, I didn’t go to a particular place and because of those split decisions, I am still here continuously sober today.

Having been around for awhile, I have received the benefit of watching others fail the 30 second test.  And I say I received a benefit because I absolutely believe that my witnessing someone else fail the 30 second test, has enabled me to pass it all the times I have been tested.  I have seen the results and failings of others and can see the consequences of failing the 30 second test, is often times, fatal.

I don’t know how I have been so lucky.  To have been saved from a most certain and ugly existence and death from addiction.  I don’t know why I am still here when I have done so many things the hard way and not according to good orderly direction.  But I am, and I am immensely grateful.

Addiction is a subtle foe.  A formidable opponent.  I have seen addiction win time after time.  But I have seen recovery win too.  I have seen people save themselves when everything within them screams to just have one more go.  I have witnessed and participated in miracles.  Repeatedly.

I have also had to pass the 30 second test in other areas and addictions in my life.  I have failed it a whole bunch of times too.  With less dire consequences, to be clear, well, at least that is what I thought at the time.  Now, I am not so sure.  I can see, painfully and clearly, that I have just been trading addictions over my sober time.  Men, sex, shopping, exercise, food.  I just have had this rotating menu of compulsive behaviors that has largely delayed my healing and stopped me from making more spiritual progress.

Some 30 second tests we can fail and the consequences are not so dire.  But there are those that absolutely teeter on the brink of death.  The problem always is, we are never good judges of which one is which.

I know I do everything alcoholically.  I know I do.  And for a long time, I thought it was the only choice I had.  But having survived the 30 second tests repeatedly has given me a new way to look at things.  An idea is forming that asks this question, “does just because you always have, mean you always will?”

Here is what I know for sure:  if you don’t try to do better, you will not ever actually do better.  Life is not a straight line from one point to another.  We progress then regress. Always.  But we are called upon to be responsible for our own healing in this life.  And if we do not heal, we will use.  It is like some kind of law.  And so long as using is an option, the 30 second tests will always, forever come for us.  And for some of us, we will not have the fortitude to use those 30 seconds wisely...and we will succumb to what all addiction wants, us high or dead.  Addiction always preferring the later...

So choose wisely and know the 30 second test will always come for us if we are so afflicted.

Again, still...

Always.