"News"

When I was thinking of what to write this morning, I had a hard time. This has been happening more lately.  I am struggling to come up with topics, I mean, I guess that is to be expected...I have been posting almost daily for years.  I am verbose, for sure, but even I struggle sometimes.  So I decided to check my email before I wrote today, which turned out to be not such a fantastic idea...in my inbox there was, "news."  

My first thought was it was BAD news.  But I sat with it awhile and kinda landed on the idea that it is just "news."  I mean it is going to mean that I have to spend time responding to it with no guarantee that it will turn out the way I want, think is fair or right.  But right now, it is just a thing.  I get to make a choice about how I let it affect me.  I get to decide how much bandwidth this inbox item grabs of my morning, my day and my life.

I get to decide.

"News" is going to come.  We can’t stop it. Shit goes down and we are just going to have to deal with it.  I get to choose how I handle. I get to decide how much of my serenity I give away  because of this “news.”  It is my decision. Mine, and mine alone.

So this morning, fear crept in and I began immediately drafting a few emails in response to said “news.”  But then I paused.  I waited.  I realized that I do not have to respond RIGHT FUCKING NOW!  This is not an immediate thing that has to derail my whole morning routine.  I have time.  I do not need to scramble.  So I paused all the email sending mania and just went back to my morning routine which was already in progress...

And I realized that once upon a time, I didn’t have the ability to do that.  I could not pause.  I could not wait, fear owned me.  I was launched into action, any action, I just could not sit there with “news” without being compelled into immediate action.  Today, I can.  And I did.

I will deal with said “news” in a little while.  I will handle it and respond, not react.  And today, I am incredibly grateful that I have this choice, because I remember all too clearly that I didn’t used to have this ability.  It was not part of my repertoire.  I had compulsive action based on fear. That is all I had.  Today, I have the pause.  I have the ability to wait, to reflect and not just react out of impulsive fear and need to get this shit handled.

Today, I pause and wait for God’s will.  I allow time for God to enter and trust that I have been taken care of this whole time and I will be taken care of now, also.  My job is to pause and create a space for something other than my knee jerk reaction to be in play...

So today, I pause and wait for the intuitive thought or action that will come once I do the next indicated thing which will arrive in God’s time, not mine.  In the meantime, I will do what is in front of me and trust that life works out, not always in the way I want, but in the way it is supposed to, which for me, in historical review, is usually way better than I could have imagined...

“News” isn’t bad or good. It is just “news.”

Again, still...