A Full and Thankful Heart...
Wow, yesterday did not go how I planned. Like at all. But it was still full of all the things I hoped it would be: friendship, fellowship, sobriety, love, companionship and service.
I had plans to go to Santa Cruz Island for the day, God, needed me elsewhere. And you know what, I was completely ok with that. I wasn’t resentful or even upset. And that is a miracle! Once upon a time, me not getting to do what I wanted to do would have resulted in misery for everyone in the zip code.
It has been said that a full and thankful heart cannot contain great conceits. And that does appear to math up. Yesterday was a hard day. My mom called me at 5:30 am and needed to go to the hospital. She was in a great amount of pain and fear about her hip replacement. She had been doing really well but then Monday night she could not bear weight on it. So off to the ER but with resulting good news: no fractures or dislocation. No explanation for the pain though. So that was hard to hear.
But if there is anything that sobriety has taught me, it is to remain flexible. And the day flowed, albeit in a direction that I didn’t expect...
My friend Karl who came all the way out here to spend my 27th birthday with me, was there with me, and we had fun anyway and got a short beach walk in despite all the craziness. We laughed a lot and I was so grateful for his help and companionship. My mom is now living with me (temporarily) and I think all of us feel more at ease with the decision.
During all of this, the rehabilitation facility that my dad is in tried to move him from his private room and that was met with a great deal of resistance. However, that too worked itself out and was resolved in his favor. I met with my dad last night and he was the most “with it” he has been in a long time.
So a day that started off with chaos, confusion and fear, ended with a night time soak in the hot tub and a mad hunt for a shooting star. None to be had last night but I did get to lie in my backyard, gazing upwards, talking to my daughter and Karl and it was sublime.
And I wouldn’t change a thing. It was a great day. It was a day that was full of love and service and I can think of no better way to honor twenty-seven years of sobriety than giving back what has been so freely provided to me. It is an honor and a privilege. Truly.
So my heart is full, and thankful and joyous even. And I am less of the selfish jerk than the person who walked in and sat down twenty-seven years ago. And I got another daily reprieve from dying an alcoholic death. The longer I stay sober, the more I feel like every day I do not drink is another day that I cheat death and that feels pretty fucking awesome really.
I love my life today. Even the hard, painful parts. I am grateful for it all: the wonderful beauty, the amazing love, and the ability to serve those about me. I did not do this, God did. And I am forever thankful, grateful and lucky to not miss it all!
Running is a way to avoid living, afraid to feel, to be real, to really live. Staying is how I have learned to endure, persevere and fucking enjoy the hell out of my life, even when life’s circumstances suck ass. Today, recovery has taught me that all I have is this moment right here, I might as well do my best to make it my best life and see what I can give to those around me. And I will tell you that there is no better feeling in this world. Truly.
Thank you for all the beautiful messages yesterday. It lifted me up. Thank you most of all for my life. All of it.