Avoidance...

I am really in the thick of it right now.  It is taking an amazing amount of energy to do certain things that I want to avoid.  The struggle is real.  I am not sure I have struggled with something this much in a long time.  Just making myself do basic things is hard.

Here is what I am learning:

I tend to avoid through movement.  I want to move, walk,  hike, relocate or something. Most of my actions are in avoidance of something, someone or a feeling I want to avoid.

I tend to escape discomfort rather than resolving it which is totally self defeating because the discomfort just comes back...

I resist emotional consistency, in myself and others which is destabilizing to myself and others.

I tend to reframe restlessness as freedom.  I spend a lot of my time thinking about freedom when really I am just restless and want to move, see the first item above.

I absolutely fear being contained emotionally which is why I have been single for most of my life...

I tend to dismiss limits before I actually understand them which has led to some pretty hard situations in my life...

I underestimate the impact of my absence.  I never feel like my attendance is all that important.  Who will miss me?  But not showing up undermines people’s ability to trust and rely upon me.

I tend to leave or exit before integration can happen.  And I am there right now.  I want to distract myself with all kinds of things instead of doing what I believe is next for me.  I mean, I don’t know, because I always distract myself at this point and then never follow through.  

This is a lot of information and all pretty true, but I am not sure what to do with it.  Well, except this last one. I know I am NOT supposed to be escaping or running into shit that I have done before.  I am supposed to turn this corner with things I have stated I want to do.  My biggest issue now is that I don’t really feel like I want to do them anymore. Which is a pattern that sets me up to go get lost in something unproductive instead of doing what I said I wanted to do...

It is hard to persist when motivation fails.  Discipline is needed.

Fuck, I have been here so many times before.  So many fucking times.  And all I feel motivated to do is to do what I have always done...but I am not going to do that this time.  I am going to press forward.  I am going to do the things I said I was going to do because I want to see what is on the other side of this arc that I keep failing to complete.  I have been here so very many times, and I always short circuit that trajectory.  What might happen if I don’t this time?

This time, I think, I have the capacity to not short circuit and follow through.  I guess we will see.  Sigh.

Again, still...