Betrayal...

I deal with it everyday, luckily not in my personal life, but in my job.  I see people’s lives wrecked with betrayal.  People they love and committed their life to...actively, and without seemingly a care in the world, this very person betrays them.

I have been on the receiving end of betrayal as well.  In love, in life, in friendship, in work.  And I have done it too.  Not often, but I have and I can tell you it doesn’t feel good on either side, and I guess if I am being honest, better to be the betrayer than the betrayee. I have also learned that betrayal is something that begets itself. Betrayal begets more betrayal.

It is something that is hard to get over when someone you trust just leaves you hanging in really fucked up ways.  In my career, infidelity is a factor in about 75% of my divorce cases.  And I am probably being overly generous with that number...it is likely higher.

So why do we betray others?  Is there not a better way to go through this life?  And don’t you first have to betray yourself before you fuck the other person over?  I mean, I think you have to unless you are a sociopath.  And even then, I still think you have to discard and throw away all tenants of being a decent human being and I guess the main difference is that sociopaths do not care about betraying you or themselves. The rest of us have to grapple with a great deal of loss and soul reckoning.

I think the reason we betray each other comes down to one reason:  selfishness.  We care more about ourselves, our happiness, our unhappiness, our agenda, our loves, lives, career, best interests above all else.  What we want and need is the premiere thing and that reigns supreme.  Others needs and wants are far less important.

It also helps that we live in a world that is constantly spinning narrative that justifies our reasons, our action and our beliefs.  It is ok that I hurt you, behave badly because you had it coming, I didn’t have a choice and you actually invited me to behave in whatever way I did because look what you did first.  The level of personal accountability has dropped quickly and low.  And so betrayal seems to fill the void created in the sudden drop in standards and decorum.

To Thine Own Self Be True...but I do not think this was said in a way and manner that meant “fuck everyone else:"  the people we love, the people we work with, the people we socialize with...No, instead I think it means hold true to your belief systems and act in accordance with grace, dignity and thoughtfulness first with yourself but you are doing that so you can behave well with others.

I think if we started out in relationships more intentionally, perhaps we might fare better.  Having done our own work, on our own issues, then we might do a better job in how we treat others.  But if you have seen how we treat ourselves, then it becomes kind of obvious that shit treatment of others is gaining traction.

I do not like or enjoy the relational world of today.  There is too much self interest and not enough participation and love to ensure the moral fiber of our social constructs.  I get you need to take care of yourself, it is your job after all, but not to the exclusion of your commitments to those about you, most especially to those you profess to love and care about.

But here we are betraying ourselves and others and it seems to be reaching some sort of epidemic of betrayal.  We do it in love, in business, in friendship and it feels pretty pervasive.  If we are all looking out for number one, where is the humanity in that?

I am not claiming any moral high ground here.  I have not been perfect in this area. But I did not cheat on my spouse, I do not betray my friends, I behave honorably at work and with my co-workers and in general, I try to be a decent human being wherever I am found.

I have seen the human carnage betrayal leaves in its wake. I have been that carnage.  The way you feel about yourself when someone you love and trust fucks you over in a large way, feels almost unrecoverable.  And I suppose, you don’t get over it unless you work at it.  I had a client whose husband cheated on her and she could not get over it.  It consumed her.  It became an attendant to her every day, her every thought.  She was doing crazy things like breaking into his house when he wasn’t home, attempting to find photographic evidence of what she already knew to be true. She was a woman on the edge, for sure.

And what really fueled all her confusion, pain and loss was that in doing what he did, he made her feel like she was nothing while also removing from her the two things that were most important to her in this world: being a wife and full time mom.  Now her life was upended and she was having to adjust her life and plans and whole identity because he decided to fuck someone else.  The unfairness of it really stuck with her and it took her a long time to get over it.  She moved on, but the pain persisted.

She is doing well now but the pain of the loss of who she wanted to be in that relationship and how spectacularly he blew it up, is a wound that will just not ever completely heal.  She will take that pain and loss and betrayal into every relationship she has going forward...because once you have been fucked over in that way and so completely and fundamentally, you are forever altered and changed.

Some people never get over it. Some people just pick that familiar hell over and over again.  Some people do their work and move beyond it and there is just a lingering fear that can be addressed when it takes hold.  Betrayal is a universal experience because we all have experienced it on some level, be it a relatively minor one or be it a life altering chasm that is created in your life.

I am not a fan of either really.  And attempt to live my life in a way that I am not betraying myself which I do believe reduces my chance of betraying you also.  Living is not easy, neither is loving or relating.  But I do think spiritual principles are good guides for how we move through this world. Hopefully endeavoring to become healed and healing better versions of ourselves...one day at a time.

Again, still, forever.