Day 293 - Waiting
I suck at it. Anything that makes me wait, irritates me. I hate waiting in line, waiting for change, waiting has been a hard term of life for me.
But this pandemic has given me a new view on waiting. So many things that I thought were super important, have proved to be less important today. I have been forced to wait for things like re-opening the offices only to have them closed again.
What waiting has given me is the ability to watch me open and close. It is almost like a door on my life that I am either pushing so hard on to open or I am forever slamming it shut when I am unhappy with what is presented to me on the other side. Now I watch myself and I see just how much I am forever in this state of slamming or pulling just to get the door back to where it started from before I took action that I now wish to reverse.
This is where practicing the skill of waiting comes in super handy. Before I slam it shut, I can wait. Before I begin to pull it back open with all my might, I can wait.
And if I can’t wait, then I get to watch myself and all of my effort in the slamming or the pulling. I have learned a few things a long the way:
I am kind of a brat when I don’t get my way
I still have a very immature attitude when it comes to want and need
I am coming to hate the slamming and pulling more than the waiting
Waiting provides me space for something new to happen
Slamming and pulling usually results in the same thing happening and that is usually something that I do not want
The older I get the easier it becomes to wait and this seems counterintuitive because the older I get the less time I have left
Waiting creates anticipation and that is often far more enjoyable than the anticipated event
Waiting provides a space for me to exist in perfect balance with all that is going on, I am neither reacting nor grasping, waiting is just a large space where it appears nothing is happening but actually there is a lot going on
Waiting is far more interesting and difficult than taking either of my habituated typical responses
Waiting is often far more rewarding
Kinda cool that I have learned all of that in the last few months. And it all came to me through waiting. For agendas chucked to the side and the willingness allowing it all to just unfold. No action required on my part other than to just wait and allow whatever is supposed to come, to come, or not.
When I catch myself actually waiting, it is like I have been invaded by aliens. I look at me and I can barely recognize myself. I am super weirded out by this person who is just standing there looking around doing nothing. But I have learned that often waiting is the most spiritual action I can take...and the hardest, which for me, goes hand in hand. Spiritual growth always seems to require some pretty hard terms. It doesn’t come easy or without a great deal of effort on my part. I would like to be struck spiritual but my most spiritual growth has always come at the tail end of some clusterfuck that I thought was a fantastic idea at the time.
Today, it seems that waiting is my current teacher. We are getting to know each other better and I am happy to report that I am not quite the impatient ass that I used to be...oh, sure, she still shows up but not nearly as often as she used to...
Today I am grateful I can be in the space of the unknown and still feel safe and cared for and given the grace to just allow it all to unfold according to divine principles. So much better than Erin-led desires which I have learned are the quickest trip to misery. So I will continue to pause, wait and learn what is coming is far greater than what I can produce engaging good old slamming and pulling. I am grateful to have evolved enough to see that if I really want a spiritual life (and I really do) I have to just leave the damn door open and go about living life regardless of what walks in the front door, or not. Waiting can bring contentment at last.