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Day 63 - Kicking Tires

For Deya


I have kicked a lot of tires. I have kicked a lot of tires for cars that I was never ever going to buy. I have kicked tires of cars on occasion that belong to other people and are not even up for sale. I have kicked tires on cars that I couldn’t afford. I have kicked way too many tires of cars that were never even on the right car for me. I have kicked tires when I wasn’t really interested in buying a car and I have kicked tires instead of buying the vehicle. Seems like I have spent the whole of my life wandering around car lots, kicking tires.


I am tired of car shopping. I really am. Like I just don’t have it in me anymore. My current vehicle has almost 120k miles on it but the thought of going into a dealership to buy a new car makes me what to scream, cry and rip my hair out by the root. I am not joking.

I feel like maybe I have just kicked too many tires. I have become inured to tires and their attendant vehicles have lost all interest for me. Well, maybe not all interest because I am apparently still walking around the car lots and kicking tires so if I am so done why am I even here?


Habit?

Compulsion?

Hope?

Fear?


I am really not sure anymore. It all feels too complicated. I walk around in my life and have no intention of car shopping...but then BAM, there I am test driving a new vehicle. I usually kick the tires, then I find myself driving the car around. Honestly, I have no idea what I am doing. I find myself test driving cars that are not in my price range, that I cannot afford, don’t really like and am not sure even fit with who I am and what I want.


What do I even want anyway?


I guess I want a car that matters. A car that I want and love beyond all the other cars. A car that is reliable, comfortable and doesn’t give me a hard time. I want a car whose tires are not going to need to be replaced every 10,000 miles. I do not want a car that is going to be in constant need of major, expensive tune ups, constant oil changes or have defective tires that are always leaving me flat.


I just want a reliable, comfortable, sexy, stable and just easy to be with kind of car. I will admit, I also want a car with really good tires. Shallow, I know, but it is important.


I can’t say that I haven’t been a successful car shopper or tire kicker. I have kicked some pretty amazing tires on some pretty fucking awesome cars. But I keep returning to the place where I am just tired. It all feels like too much work. This would be why I instituted a tire kicking ban a few months ago. I just kept finding myself walking around car lots with no really good reason as to why I was there or what I was looking for. Months have passed but I still feel like I am in the same place despite the fact that I have stopped shopping for cars online, stopped looking for them, released my hopes that one particular car and tire combination was coming back and generally removed myself from the tire kicking and car buying market.


Perhaps, I still feel this way because people really need a good car with good tires. In today’s world, you need good transportation and what you drive says a lot about who you are and who you are not. Right now, I am exhausted by the test drive. I am tired. I am spun out. I feel like all of my choices, despite a period of not shopping for cars, are still not good choices. I feel like I am now just kicking tires because I can’t think of anything else to do. The problem with only kicking tires is that it makes me wonder if I should really purchase the damn thing or if this particular vehicle is really just more of a rental, not really on the market or up for grabs.


It it hard to figure out where I am in all this car business. I feel distracted, disheartened and stymied. I would really, really like a new car. I don’t know what brand, what it looks like or color but I do know that having a new car would be nice. I cannot seem to reconcile this desire with my current life. I do not “need” a new car. I do not really believe that a new car is going to make my life better. I do not believe that there is actually car out there for me that is really capable of sating my desire that keeps me wandering around kicking tires anyway. But it also feels wrong to give up hope. Feels like I can’t just commit to going to the end of my days with my current car. It isn’t going to make it. So what is a woman to do?


I think that I have to take a step back and re-evaluate my tire kicking behavior...have I ever really been able to kick the tires of a car and then not think about taking it home? I can answer this honestly that I have been able to do that on a few occasions but really, I have made many more impulsive moves than I have calculated ones. I think I have lacked courage to admit that what I am looking for is a pretty fucking amazing classic car that I am not sure really exists anymore. I keep test driving and tire kicking these newer models and I am always let down.


It occurs to me that I should probably just avoid the car lots and tires all together. I do not feel ready. I am not able to be really honest about what I want. I am also not able to really hold my own course while kicking tires. It is as if the act of kicking the tires, derails me. I also think that I lack the courage to really admit that I want a new car. I like the relationship that I have with my current vehicle and tires but that is only really a kind of default position. It is a good car and the tires are well worn but I know where and how to make them work for me. I think if I am really honest, I am wandering around kicking tires, wanting to buy a new car but not being able to be really honest about that. It is like I am walking through the car lots, pretending I am only really interested in a rental when what I am really looking for is a car with some more long term potential.


I will also say that it is lonely on the car lot. It is often lonely kicking tires. In fact, it might be loneliness that is driving me to kick tires on cars that are really not suited for me. So for now, I am going to try to stop kicking tires. It won't be easy. Tires seem to have this ridiculous and vice like grip on me. I feel incredibly stupid when I review my tire kicking habits in one moment. Then in other moments, I am pretty sure that I want to just kick tires forever. Maybe I am just exhausting. Maybe I am the problem. This is good news since if I am not the problem, then there is no solution. Maybe tire kicking and car shopping are the wrong aim for my life. Maybe this is a path better walked by more solid consumers without a trunk load full of bags to unpack. Maybe I just need to be more clear and upfront about my tire kicking habit. Maybe. Maybe I am not really talking about tires at all....








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